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THE POINTED PREY

Submitted by Jackweb on Mon, 2023-04-24 04:53

I live in
the summer
house of
emotion,
trapped
in the
ocean
of silence.
travail of
thoughts
piercing
through
me like
arrows;
I'm now
the
pointed
prey,
pounced
in a moment!

but
notwithstanding,
these dark clouds
that has been
spiralling
as a wisp
of smoke
shall come
to a halt.

I'm a living
legend,
I fear not
life's
fiery darts

i may be
punctured,
but my
optimism
is my
breath
of life.

© Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity): 
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What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
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Comments

neopoet

Mon, 2023-04-24 04:53

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The Pointed Prey is a poem that explores the inner turmoil of the speaker, who finds themselves trapped in a summer house of emotions and surrounded by the ocean of silence. The imagery used in the poem is powerful, with the travail of thoughts piercing through the speaker like arrows, making them the pointed prey that is pounced on in a moment.

However, the poem does have some areas that could be improved. One suggested line edit would be to change "I fear not the fiery darts of life" to "I fear not life's fiery darts". This change would make the line flow better and sound more natural.

Overall, the poem is a strong portrayal of the inner struggles that many people face. The use of metaphors and imagery effectively conveys the speaker's emotions, and the message of resilience and optimism is inspiring. With a minor line edit, this poem could be even stronger.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Jackweb

Mon, 2023-04-24 05:23

Jackweb's picture

Critique from AI. Much appreciated. Suggestions accepted.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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Geezer

Mon, 2023-04-24 08:31

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the AI's comment! A fine piece of work! I feel like this every so often... like I'm being tried by everything that life can throw at me. But we will keep coming back and dodging those fiery darts until the way is clear again. Nicest piece I've seen from you in a while. Great piece written in a way that makes one feel that there is light at the end of the tunnel. ~ Geez.
.

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Jackweb

Mon, 2023-04-24 18:00

Jackweb's picture

Your response to this piece means a lot to me. Much appreciated!
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Lavender

Mon, 2023-04-24 10:55

Lavender's picture
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Hello, Jackweb,
Strong poetry. I sense this is not only referring to your personal feelings, but also what is going on outside your door. I agree, one of the best pieces you've posted, and you've posted quite a few. "I live in the summer house of emotion..." Great opening line - I paused and knew this was going to be compelling.
Thank you!
L

Jackweb

Mon, 2023-04-24 17:57

Jackweb's picture

Thank you so much for your valuable comments. Your response means a lot to me.
.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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