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Share With Me

Submitted by docmaverick on Wed, 2011-05-11 15:16

Share with me your secrets
I hope asking isn't wrong,

I'm just short some words
for a beautiful love song.

I'll fill the song with humor
if you'll share with me your smile;

and we'll end all of your sadness
by laughing all the while.

So, share with me those sad times
and all your lonely sorrows,

and we'll make those sad times go away,
to brighten all your tomorrows.

Then, our tomorrows will be made
because, we focused on truth, and goals;

please share with me, this love song
so, it can echo through our souls.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
For my friends...."Twilight", "Belle Maverick", and of course...Carol.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

docmaverick

Wed, 2011-05-11 16:46

docmaverick's picture

...this may sound really stupid, of me.....but, I can't...for the life of me, figure out how to edit my poetry, after I put it in! The only thing I am able to do is, re-submit it with the corrections, as a "second" version.
You gave me some good suggestions, and I thank you once again.
Sincerely,
docmaverick.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

author comment

weirdelf

Thu, 2011-05-12 05:11

weirdelf's picture
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This is "sweet" and adds nothing to the realm of love poetry.

I look forward to something visceral, original.

I know you can do better.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Thu, 2011-05-12 08:11

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just a few little quirks of mine.... sorry i can't help myself...

'and we'll end all of your sadness'
- suggestion 'and we'll banish all your sadness' ??

'if you'll share with me your smile' (since you repeat 'share' in the next couple of lines,- perhaps you could make this line something like "if you'll just show me your smile') ??

and we'll make those sad times go away, (perhaps change the repeated 'sad' to 'bleak'?)

'....Then, our tomorrows will be made' (maybe the repeated 'tomorrows' could be 'future'?)

please share with me, this love song
so, it can echo through our souls. ('so it can' to 'and let it')

love judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

magics02

Thu, 2011-05-12 08:41

I read this out loud and it did do fine but fell short in a tweaky place here and there. Allow me to make comments, Discard if you wish..

Share with me your secrets
I hope asking isn't wrong, ( I hope in asking isn't wrong)

I'm just short some words ( I'm just short the words)
for a beautiful love song.

I'll fill the song with humor (How about I will sing the song with humor)
if you'll share with me your smile;

and we'll end all of your sadness ( OMIT THE AND) We'll end all of your sadness or the sadness
by laughing all the while.

So, share with me those sad times ( Come share with me those sad times)
and all your lonely sorrows,

and we'll make those sad times go away, ( omit the and) We'll sing those blue times away
to brighten all your tomorrows.

Then, our tomorrows will be made
because, we focused on truth, and goals; (omit because) As we focused on truth and goals

please share with me, this love song
so, it can echo through our souls.

I just made some suggests Doc. After all it is your poetic write. I really like the ending and this could be polished up some if you like. Just my two, three or sixpence thoughts.

Love to you guy
Mona

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