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Senryu - Lotto

Okay I bought it
the winning lotto ticket
I can dream can't I

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hi Mark thanks yep gis a shout if u win lol cheers x

author comment

I thought this one was very clever I cant see anything to change the syllable count was spot on

well done

sincerely Jayne-Chloe :)

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

ah thanks so much x

author comment

sue . But I think others might tell you its a senryu as it is more concerned with human foibles.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

ah I learn something new every day here it's gr8 I'm only a novice who writes for fun thanks so much never heard of a senryu and didn't know haiku's where just about nature glad u enjoyed cheers x

author comment

This is what dreams are for...winning the lottery would be the birth of the fullfilment of many dreams! Good luck!

:)

always, Cat (& eddy)

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Hi yeah doesn't buy happiness though all the best x

author comment

As Rula says it's a Senyru, the Haiku is about the seasons, yours is lovely.
Lovely to win though Eh! Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Hi I didn't know anything about Senyru never heard of it but I'm always delighted to learn thanks a mil glad u enjoyed cheers x

author comment

Got my ticket too . Figure if I win the taxes uncle Sam gets would run the gov't about 6 minutes lol...........stan

Bet you could Stan cheers Sue x

author comment

the last line doesn't add much, it's kind of implicit in buying lottery. And ending a poem with a question is never strong.
Some possible alternatives-
I still dream of more
all my dreams come true (eeek! a bad suggestion)
and will buy another

see where I'm going? You could add some philosophical depth.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
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hi thanks jess this one was just a bit of fun cheers x

author comment

every syllable still counts, be it for fun or the meaning of life.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

I have to disagree about ending a poem with a question never being strong. Sometimes the entire poem leads up to the question which is posed to get reader to think. .............stan

of great poems ending in a question, Stan,
but would you not agree it is generally a lame ending?

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

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