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Senryu - Lotto

Okay I bought it
the winning lotto ticket
I can dream can't I

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hi Mark thanks yep gis a shout if u win lol cheers x

author comment

I thought this one was very clever I cant see anything to change the syllable count was spot on

well done

sincerely Jayne-Chloe :)

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

ah thanks so much x

author comment

sue . But I think others might tell you its a senryu as it is more concerned with human foibles.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

ah I learn something new every day here it's gr8 I'm only a novice who writes for fun thanks so much never heard of a senryu and didn't know haiku's where just about nature glad u enjoyed cheers x

author comment

This is what dreams are for...winning the lottery would be the birth of the fullfilment of many dreams! Good luck!

:)

always, Cat (& eddy)

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

Hi yeah doesn't buy happiness though all the best x

author comment

As Rula says it's a Senyru, the Haiku is about the seasons, yours is lovely.
Lovely to win though Eh! Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Hi I didn't know anything about Senyru never heard of it but I'm always delighted to learn thanks a mil glad u enjoyed cheers x

author comment

Got my ticket too . Figure if I win the taxes uncle Sam gets would run the gov't about 6 minutes lol...........stan

Bet you could Stan cheers Sue x

author comment

the last line doesn't add much, it's kind of implicit in buying lottery. And ending a poem with a question is never strong.
Some possible alternatives-
I still dream of more
all my dreams come true (eeek! a bad suggestion)
and will buy another

see where I'm going? You could add some philosophical depth.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

hi thanks jess this one was just a bit of fun cheers x

author comment

every syllable still counts, be it for fun or the meaning of life.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

I have to disagree about ending a poem with a question never being strong. Sometimes the entire poem leads up to the question which is posed to get reader to think. .............stan

of great poems ending in a question, Stan,
but would you not agree it is generally a lame ending?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

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