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Scratching and clawing to make a move

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Fri, 2014-01-10 15:39

I make mistakes
I see things through distorted lens
my views are imperfect.

share your views with love
leave disrespect at the door.

I've dead bolted the door to my heart
you've been disallowed entrance at will.

why did you do this?
you imprisoned me in a loveless marriage
left me thirsting for affection
there's no peace between us
my home is not a home
It's a cell block where I eat my meals
my bed is a cot where I lay restless at night
I think about running away to another country
your dominate control crushed my spirit.

I'm sinking in quick sand, drowning in lies and accusations
I'm scratching, clawing, desiring to make you happy
I'm too weak to make a first step to move
reinvent myself

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

William Saint George

Sat, 2014-01-11 05:55

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Whoa Barbara. This is a worrying situation. I guess it is inspired by real life experience...I hope it isn't present experience, because that'll be dreadful.

One little suggestion I think will make the poem stronger is to put a line break between "move," and "reinvent me". Letting that stand out drives home a strong point.

But still, this is a very desperate situation you paint here. I hope everything is okay with you...

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2014-01-11 21:01

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Thanks William, long time no read. I'm glad to hear from you.
Dreadful indeed. I wrote this to an assignment title on Helium Network (member since Jan, 2007). I'm actually learning to write better on their new and improved site that relaunched some weeks ago... There editors won't published unless its grammatically right, have a striking image, structured, and linked properly. At first they would delete me " }' . Now I get great writing training from the editors. They are literally rewiring my grammatically error driven brain. " )'
Your suggestion is right on and I've made the change. I love my poetry family here. You all have been my lifeline since Jan. 2008.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

scribbler

Sat, 2014-01-11 10:25

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Long time no read. Hopefully if this is based on personal experience, it's experience from the distant past. This poem does a great job of conveying what it must be like to be in the situation described. Only thing I'd suggest in changing this poem is the last word. try myself instead of me............................stan

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2014-01-11 21:13

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Hey, long time no read you too. " )' . I'm glad to read my name from you. "Carolina girl" . I think your suggestion is right on. 'Myself' is a much better word. I've made the change.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

raj

Sat, 2014-01-11 14:41

this is straight from the heart as one can sense while reading through...i hope writing this has helped to feel better after venting out...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Barbara Writes

Sat, 2014-01-11 21:40

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Thanks raj, I like to vent. Understandingly, people hate it, but is glad poetry never do. So I'm happy to learn how to write effectively. Venting "purges a troubled soul" I like to think. I can't think of a better way to let it rip- poetry. At Helium Network, I've learned to structure it better, develop the image better, and most importantly learn what it means when my work is "grammatically provoking" " )' . Thanks for reading and sharing. I really appreciate it.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

raj

Sun, 2014-01-12 07:46

Writing poetry is certainly a good medium to express and like most things in life, continual learning is always helpful...

I have logged on to Neopoet after a pretty long gap of over a year. It is good to see you post here. I remember I used to enjoy it even before..

Cheers

raj (sublime_ocean)

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