Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
The scent of a singular man
I expected to find you, all these years later,
Bad tempered, craggy, vile breathed as before -
Generous with your opinions, but not your silence,
A noisy roar of a man,
But once, when you found me,
Distraught by some sorrow
Unable to speak, so you did not,
But hollowed me with gentleness,
Wiping my face, as if I were a child,
With a piece of rank cloth, smelling of engines and cars
And pot, and this, and that - the scent of a singular man
Living life on an oily rag.
I have never been more comforted -
Than through that gesture, an acceptance of anguish.
That day, I met the man in you -
The one behind the bluster,
So I listened better to the rhythm of your words
Forced through lips like battering rams,
Your acknowledgement of being human,
But enraged by the hardship of breathing -
The responsibility of living -
The bloody impossibility of it all.
And still your hand nestled lightly on my shoulder -
A huge, weightless bird, asking nothing of me,
Rough fingers transforming loss -
Into something soft and bearable
And then, as was your way, you shambled off
Grumbling about politics, annoying the others,
But you winked at me so tenderly,
My heart arced and expanded -
At your loveliness.
Yes, I expected to find you, all these years later
Unchanged, I hoped, just older,
Instead, I found your photograph
And the long, covered mound of your body
Where someone left a sea shell
And an empty can of beer by your headstone.
I sat there all day,
Through the noise of memory
Remembering.
Review Request (Intensity):
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Last few words:
I was going to enter this into the 'Love poem without mentioning that word' contest, but I realised this poem had too many words, so forget that... but - this is my love poem to a singular man, a great roar of a man.
It is his poem. And it is full of love.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
neopoet
Mon, 2023-06-19 15:01
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
Title: The scent of a singular man
The poem effectively conveys a sense of nostalgia and the complexity of human relationships. The vivid imagery and descriptive language create a strong emotional connection with the reader. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Structure and Punctuation: The poem's structure is relatively free form, which can work well for the subject matter. However, it might benefit from a more consistent use of punctuation to guide the reader through the lines and stanzas. For instance, some lines end with commas, while others do not. Ensuring a more uniform approach to punctuation would enhance the poem's readability.
2. Word Choice: The poem contains some powerful imagery, but there are instances where the word choice could be refined. For example, in the line "Forced through lips like battering rams," the comparison of lips to battering rams feels a bit forced and could be replaced with a more fitting metaphor. Additionally, the phrase "the bloody impossibility of it all" might be rephrased to better convey the intended emotion.
3. Imagery: The poem's imagery is one of its strengths, but there are moments where it could be more cohesive. For example, the line "A huge, weightless bird, asking nothing of me," seems to be disconnected from the surrounding imagery. Revising this line to better align with the poem's overall theme would strengthen the narrative.
4. Emotional Impact: The poem's emotional impact is strong, particularly in the lines describing the protagonist's memory of the man's comforting presence. However, the ending might be more powerful if it were to focus more on the protagonist's emotions and reactions to the man's death, rather than on the physical objects left at the gravesite.
Overall, the poem effectively captures the complexity of human relationships and the power of memory. By refining the structure, word choice, imagery, and emotional impact, the poem can become even more engaging and resonant for readers.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
Mon, 2023-06-19 10:34
A great piece...
Although you would not have met the maximum word content of the contest and used "the word" at the end, I can see that this one is a true expression of the emotion we call love. An excellent piece of work! I felt the genuine emotion of it. I did not find anything I would change and applaud your interpretation of this man. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Jenifer James
Tue, 2023-06-20 20:00
Thank you, so much, Geezer
Thank you, so much, Geezer
There is just something about honouring someone which mattered to me, and love comes in so many shapes and shadows, moments and memories, nano-seconds- sometimes, gratitude.
We talk about it all the time, but so many people I know, refuse to recognise it or name it, like it's unsafe. Which I suppose it is... there is a poem there.
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentObadiah Grey
Mon, 2023-06-19 11:52
A touching poem with some
A touching poem with some wonderful phrases.
You did him justice, and I wish I'd have met him.
Well written,,,, and muchly appreciated by this reader.
Obi.
Jenifer James
Tue, 2023-06-20 20:04
Thank you so much, Obi. I
Thank you so much, Obi. I really appreciate love poems being appreciated by male poets - which is odd, because so much gorgeous love poetry IS written by men. It's not all soppy stuff (which is what I feared writing)!
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentJenifer James
Tue, 2023-06-20 20:04
Thank you so much, Obi. I
Thank you so much, Obi. I really appreciate love poems being appreciated by male poets - which is odd, because so much gorgeous love poetry IS written by men. It's not all soppy stuff (which is what I feared writing)!
Jenifer Jaspa James
author commentRoseBlack
Mon, 2023-06-19 19:37
Incredible
An incredible write and tribute to that singular man! You can feel every emotion in every verse. How we love these noisy men unconditionally! Well done!
~RoseBlack~
Jenifer James
Tue, 2023-06-20 20:05
Thank you, so much wonderful
Thank you, so much wonderful RoseBlack. I take that a true compliment - and yes our wonderful, noisy, roaring men with great hearts and prickling hides. Gorgeous.
Jenifer Jaspa James
author comment