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The Runaway

Submitted by BrokenShards on Tue, 2013-02-26 18:23

The streets are silent as I walk
Listening to the midnight talk
My sneakers fall on broken glass
Scattered shards, just like my past

In their houses, they sleep unknowing
Above the trees the light is growing
In the sky there is no moon
It will be daylight, pretty soon

Only darkness feels my pain
In the sun I can’t remain
No, in the daylight I can’t stay
Because I am
The Runaway

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2013-02-27 00:37

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Just one little suggestion, the line
In the houses I pass, they sleep unknowing
is too long and spoils the flow.
perhaps
In their houses, they sleep unknowing

Welcome to Neopoet, this is an impressive first post, I look forward to more.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

BrokenShards

Wed, 2013-02-27 20:27

Thank you for your encouraging comment. I always felt like that line was a little awkward and your suggestion was spot on.

author comment

Jenifer James

Wed, 2013-02-27 06:17

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felt like footsteps walking in the streets. Great to say hello - look forward to your next poem!

Jenifer Jaspa James

BrokenShards

Wed, 2013-02-27 20:25

Why, thank you :) Love the encouragement.

author comment

eightmenout

Wed, 2013-02-27 11:14

I like the way i was able to walk along with you, and then runaway from my own pain.

I do agree with Jess about the one line being a little long. May I also suggest a comma in the line

it will be daylight, pretty soon

it will give the same pause as the last line of stanza one and the break in the last two lines of stanza three.

Scott

BrokenShards

Wed, 2013-02-27 20:26

Thanks for the advice. I didn't even notice and it does make a difference. Nice observation.

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2013-02-27 11:24

I was all prepared to dislike a rhyming poem. I didn't you did your *runaway* proud. Great meter, rhythm and unforced rhyme. Important topic for any poem.

~

BrokenShards

Wed, 2013-02-27 20:23

Thanks. Your comment means a lot. I'm glad you gave it a chance.

author comment

Ian.T

Fri, 2013-03-01 03:34

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As Jess , Welcome to Neopoet sorry about the late comment, I have read two of yours will read the third in a moment.. Both are good..
Here you will find poets that will walk with you, you seem to be alone in your writes, well if you are here, you will not be alone again, all you have to do is keep writing as you have, and join in commenting on others works, also joining in the workshops that are on going.
Take care out there, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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