Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
The Runaway
The streets are silent as I walk
Listening to the midnight talk
My sneakers fall on broken glass
Scattered shards, just like my past
In their houses, they sleep unknowing
Above the trees the light is growing
In the sky there is no moon
It will be daylight, pretty soon
Only darkness feels my pain
In the sun I can’t remain
No, in the daylight I can’t stay
Because I am
The Runaway
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2013-02-27 00:37
A powerful and poignant poem
Just one little suggestion, the line
In the houses I pass, they sleep unknowing
is too long and spoils the flow.
perhaps
In their houses, they sleep unknowing
Welcome to Neopoet, this is an impressive first post, I look forward to more.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
BrokenShards
Wed, 2013-02-27 20:27
Thank you for your
Thank you for your encouraging comment. I always felt like that line was a little awkward and your suggestion was spot on.
Jenifer James
Wed, 2013-02-27 06:17
Lovely, sad imagery...
felt like footsteps walking in the streets. Great to say hello - look forward to your next poem!
Jenifer
BrokenShards
Wed, 2013-02-27 20:25
Why, thank you :) Love the
Why, thank you :) Love the encouragement.
eightmenout
Wed, 2013-02-27 11:14
Nice Work!
I like the way i was able to walk along with you, and then runaway from my own pain.
I do agree with Jess about the one line being a little long. May I also suggest a comma in the line
it will be daylight, pretty soon
it will give the same pause as the last line of stanza one and the break in the last two lines of stanza three.
Scott
BrokenShards
Wed, 2013-02-27 20:26
Thanks for the advice. I didn
Thanks for the advice. I didn't even notice and it does make a difference. Nice observation.
Kailashana2
Wed, 2013-02-27 11:24
I was all prepared to dislike
I was all prepared to dislike a rhyming poem. I didn't you did your *runaway* proud. Great meter, rhythm and unforced rhyme. Important topic for any poem.
~
BrokenShards
Wed, 2013-02-27 20:23
Thanks. Your comment means a
Thanks. Your comment means a lot. I'm glad you gave it a chance.
Ian.T
Fri, 2013-03-01 03:34
Splinters
As Jess , Welcome to Neopoet sorry about the late comment, I have read two of yours will read the third in a moment.. Both are good..
Here you will find poets that will walk with you, you seem to be alone in your writes, well if you are here, you will not be alone again, all you have to do is keep writing as you have, and join in commenting on others works, also joining in the workshops that are on going.
Take care out there, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..