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Dark Knight
I used to believe that love
Was a white horse with a knight
I used to believe that happiness
Was flowers and rainbows and light
And then I discovered with a brutal blow
Life’s not a fairy tale
And there is no boat to paradise
On which you and I can sail
I was taught to look for sonnets
Chocolates and flowers
But now I’m starting to believe
In a different kind of power
I was pushed headfirst into this world
Where pain and pleasure mix
I fight to heal my bleeding heart
That nothing else can fix
I am now caught in the darkness
I question all I once believed
And despite all of the suffering
I never want to leave
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Frenchf
Tue, 2013-03-05 23:34
O so good
But interestingly I felt there was more substance if you ended without the last four lines which detracted from the poem
It ends naturally at the words "broken heart can fix"
BrokenShards
Wed, 2013-03-06 09:20
Looking over the poem I can
Looking over the poem I can see why that might make a better ending. The reason I included the last four lines is because I wanted to show how she has become trapped into this new, unhealthy relationship. However I will consider your suggestion. Thanks for reading.
author commentEsker
Wed, 2013-03-06 00:21
I picked a last line to work on..I call it adjusting.
"A question all I once believed
despising all this suffering
I shall never wont to leave..."
...
This is just my working of your poetry
In no way am I telling you to change your work
this is just my Workings of your creativity..
Every now and then a poem will speak to
me and I will jump in on here and spend
time working on something...
...
"And then I discovered with a brutal blow
it is not the tale that I used to know..
"There is no boat to this paradise
upon which you and I shall sail
was taught only visions of sonnets
and of chocolates and flowers
so tender and frail
But I believe in a power of difference now
I was pushed headfirst from the start
a world where pleasure and pain both mix
and I fight..and I heal
My bleeding heart
That nothing else shall fix
for I'm within the darkness, caught.."
Thank You !