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Reverend Director - V... To Serve Poets Workshop

What's this? There are low voices
Faint footsteps in the hall
No one supposed to be here
Just the Reverend, that's all

Tight and angry whispers
"We will kill him now"
" He's done this thing to all of us"
No more and that's our vow

The young girls filed in slowly
Steak-knives and clubs of wood
Killer shrank back in the shadows
Should he stop them... if he could?

Then Killer stepped into view
The girls, they all hung back
Scared of this big, dark man
He had hold of Reverend Black

"Now don't do anything foolish
Leave this one to me
You don't want this on your heart
I'll take care of it, you'll see

They stared at him for a moment
Then the oldest spoke to him
"We must have our revenge"
"We don't think of it as sin"

Killer took his knife out
Stabbed the Reverend in his heart
Blood splashed upon his shoes
Each girl, she did her part

He didn't know he was crying
He stomped and slashed 'till sore
But, he knew those little girls
Were innocent no more

Footsteps echoed down the hall
He wondered; if this was somehow
The way they could heal, forget
Or just be satisfied for now...

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I have made some changes, but will have to think about a couple of other things I want to implement. Thanks for all your help so far. Everyone who has responded, has helped! ~ Gee This a poem I revisited and edited quite some time after writing it. It is now, Oct. 6th, 2015. I think I will have to visit this one more time before I put it in my book.
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

I stumbled through the first few stanzas, they seemed vague and not up to the Killers standards.:-

What's this? There are some voices
(Voices to footsteps, " girly voices not the usual drawl")
Footsteps (Echo)in the hall
No one supposed to be here
(May be) Just the Reverend, that's all

Girlish whispers and angry murmurs
"We will kill him now"
" He's done it to all of us"
No more and that's our vow

A dozen girls filed in slowly
Steak-knives and clubs of wood
Killer shrank back hiding
Should he stop them if he could?

They stopped in disbelief
At the carnage that they saw
Did you do this little one?
She shook her head; said "Nah"
(As the children, confusion came in who was doing what)
The rest of the poem followed in Killers usual pattern..
Yours as usual, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I will take your comments into consideration. Like the rest of us, I will wait a bit to see what the others say.
~ Gee

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author comment

involved in this workshop but I do love Killer. This was a great poem and there was a certain amount of emotion that could be felt on the part of the girls and Killer. Killer's soul shows every so often :) Great write!

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I've been waiting for this.
Content-wise this is brilliant! The moral ambiguities, the question of actual redemption? Did he deny them their revenge or save their innocence further. Brilliant and intelligent ethical word play. Which is what it ultimately is. I know you do none of the things that Killer does any more than Alex Machette does what I do.

There is an internal logic problem for me-
"They stopped in disbelief
At the carnage that they saw
Did you do this little one?
She shook her head; said "Nah""
but the carnage had not happened yet, had it? Killer did it for them. What am I missing?

Also there is a terrible forced rhyme in what is otherwise really good structure-
"Now don't do anything foolish
Leave this one to me
You don't want your hands being soiled
I'll take care of it, you see" [you see? Come on, read it aloud, you can hear how forced it sounds]

Otherwise it sounds pretty complete to me, further expands the legend of Killer, and the possibility of further work on him.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

logic problem, is that I didn't make it clear enough, that this was part of a series of poems. In my list of works, there are four more poems that start the whole thing. In going back over them, I realize that some of the transitions from one to the next, are a little vague. This is part of what I am working on. I'm hoping that I can get all of Killer's moral and psychological stuff together and publish a book. I have an illustrator in mind. Anyways, I will be visiting all of these poems to straighten them out. I see what you mean about the rhyme being a little forced, here and there. I will work on this the next couple of days. Thanks for the high praise in the beginning of your critique. ~ Gee

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author comment

If you can find the right artist.
Best of luck, a project well worth pursuing.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

i just read this and as usual you tapped into that dark side well. i also see some ways that might help this a bit but it's a bit late at night and I'll come back tomorrow. Perhaps my ideas will you make this worthy of sitting among the "killer" stories.......stan

for the read and comment, I always value your opinion, and look forward to hearing your critique. ~ Gee

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author comment

I have roughly rearranged some of the stanzas and changed a few of the words to bring the girls in at the right time and their response to Killer.
It seemed that his aim was the same as the girls and he couldn't change their final revenge, I hope this gives a flow to the whole thing but it is yours so just use my stuff as a guide, Yours Ian.T

What's this? There are some voices
Footsteps in the hall
No one’s supposed to be here
Just the Reverend, that's all

Killer heard girlish whispers.
"We will kill him now"
" He's done it to all of us"
No more and that's our vow.

A dozen girls filed in slowly
Steak-knives and clubs of wood
Killer shrank back into hiding
should he stop them if he could?

Killer stepped into their view
the girls, they all hung back
they were scared of this big man
of what he would do to the man in black

Now don't do anything foolish
Leave this one to me
you don't want your hands soiled
I'll take care of it, you see.

Killer took his knife out
Stabbed the Reverend in his heart
Life's blood splashed on his shoes
each girl, waited for her part

They stopped in disbelief
at the carnage in the hall
“Did you do this mister?”
Nodding he said “For Y’all”

They stared at him for a moment
then the oldest spoke to him
"We must have our revenge"
"We don't think of it as sin"

He didn't know he was crying
while they stomped, slashing till sore
but, he knew those little girls
were innocent no more

Their footsteps echoed down the hall
He wondered; if this was somehow
The way they would forget
Or were just satisfied for now...

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

the input. I see some possibilities in your re-arrangement of this one. Just remember that this is a part of a series. I'm trying to work out the sequence a little better, so that there isn't such a vague transition between them. ~ Gee

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author comment

good for you to get back to me on this one, I hope it turns out right, maybe you need a time frame, and who did what and when.
I arranged it so that Killer did the initial deed and the girls just wanted to be part of it to satisfy their anguish at being misused by the Reverend, bless his little black soul, Lol.
Good to know that you are making a book up of Killer, this one would do a little later on in the book where his talents are shared to ones like the girls.
How did he hear of the girls and what had happened to them???
Go well, have a great day tomorrow, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

OK here's some alternatives :
S-1, l-2 try faint footsteps (sounds more stealthy)
S-2, l-3 add But at the beginning
S-3, l-2 wielding knives and clubs of wood
.......l-3 change hiding to into darkness or shadows ( adds imagery)
S-4, l-1 they all froze in disbelief
S-5, l-1 add into in front of view
l-3 change big to looming (a bit more foreboding)
S-6, l-1 now don't do nothing foolish (helps flow and reinforces character)
......l-4 change it to this
S-7, l-4 payback's not a sin
S-8. l-3 change splashed to splattered ( indicates more drops of blood than a wash of blood. But perhaps a wash of blood is what you want to convey)
S-9, l-1 change know to notice
l-2 swap places with stamp and slashed....I have no idea Why lol
Last stanza
l-2 wondered was this how
l-3 they could finally forget
l-4 put ... between satisfied and for

Try this stuff and feel free to toss anything you don't want to use.........stan

what do you think? I think that you guys have helped me make this a lot better poem! ~ Gee

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author comment

I like this though I am still vague on the story so I'm going to try to find the other 4 poem which starts this to make sense of what I'm reading here. This piece clearly shows the loss of innocence through revenge. On the whole, good job. I don't have much to say as I see that others who are more senior have already offered so much. Good job.

Internal logic solved.
And that forced rhyme that so bothered me? So easily fixed!
I'll take care of it, you'll see
One comma and "you'll" and it's perfect!
Don't you just fucking love poetry!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Yes, I do! I love the way that words can be manipulated and sometimes even twisted; to make an idea come alive. To have someone able to make their own vision of what I am saying! Great stuff, poetry! ~ Gee

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They are a vital part of our community!
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author comment

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

I had read this before your edits but did not have time to leave comment. I do think the revisions helped as the flow is better and the story a little fuller. Any suggestion I might have would be along the lines of a little more back story.

Also, there are some metrics issues throughout that could be cleaned up.otherwise enjoyed it.

Thanks

Scott

Scott

a couple of last changes and hope that I have satisfied the meter issues. Thank you all, ~ Gee

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