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Portrait of a room (pastoral poetry workshop)

A curtain yields to the light inflation of air
Then, earnestly as an ushering hand
Shoos the stillness of this room
Leaving a fledgling light for you

Last few words: 
Late starter - I hope someone can pick this up :)
Editing stage: 

Comments

so much said in so few words..loved it..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I love the imagery here. I am not sure however if we can call it pastoral poetry.
You also need to add to its title that it belongs to the (pastoral poetry workshop) that others will know what exactly to comment on.
A warm welcome to Neo. I am Rula :)

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Will edit the title, to make that clearer (I did notice that after I posted of course) - regarding pastoral or not, this could be an urban pastoral?

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

contemporary pastoral Chris.... it gives a sense of peace, and it speaks of wind and sunlight... and a subtext I read of The Light
I really like this short beauty the more I read it
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

It has an elegant oriental or John Cage sense of creating more than is said with space and silence.

Going to take a stand, though and say no way is it pastoral, or even urban pastoral. It speaks of light and air, which are everywhere, nothing really relating to nature at all.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Have just jotted down a few lines to make this a bigger piece but we must probably add another stanza to bring the pastoral views inside your home, Yours Ian.T

A curtain yields to the light inflation of air
then, earnestly as an ushering hand
shoos the stillness of this room
leaving a fledgling light for you.

Follow the dust particles floating free
Catch the peace they bring to me
Stirring beams with the dust will play
Bringing soft movement to my day

Dreams made from particles in flight
Dusty sunshine catching their drifting sight
Draw near and let the vision sink in
The outside world is there to begin..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

and let there be light. I took it literally and found it to be authentic pastoral. Darkness to light. How comforting.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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and his workshop.
Pastoral or not, mate?

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

In my added comment I brought in the dust of everything, it floats in the sunbeams everywhere.
The dust is of the world and its makeup, there it builds soil and rocks, from which will sprout the pastoral scenes we know and love.
We are as the dust that settles rebuilding all things.
Yours Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

It Is a lot shorter than most pastoral poems and thus also a bit lacking in the imagery which most pastoral poems display. I think the title might be something to work on. In a short poem titles are of great importance because they are what often sets the stage. In this poem the title references a room but then the poem kinda goes off at a tangent. If we use the main definition for pastoral as put forth in this shop (a poem which conveys peace to the reader) then this qualifies on that count. And as a poem in general I think it's excellent.Thus it's excellent poetry but marginal pastoral poetry. I do not suggest you make any changes because on its own this is so good. But I would suggest in any future
attempts at pastoral poetry you might make better use of imagery which will also likely require a bit more length.
Thanks for joining this shop even though you did drop in a bit late lol. Hopefully you will participate is some of the other shops which spring up here......stan

Fucking good poem. Not pastoral.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

TRADITIONAL pastoral. But since it leaves one feeling at ease it Is just barely contemporary pastoral.

Back now and looking forward to catching up. Thanks for the suggestions though.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

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