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Occupational Outcome
Shot in the chest by military aces
Died a little victim of countless fears
Unresponsive to her father's frantic embraces
Unaware of the chorus of heart-rending tears.
One more casualty in an endless struggle
Another death in the battle to survive
With enemies increasingly in a muddle
One more life denied its right to thrive.
Last few words:
All conflicts and victims deserve the same, coverage, protection and aid.
Editing stage:
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Comments
weirdelf
Wed, 2016-10-05 21:18
true
yet, despite its pathos, perhaps a little trite.
cheers,
Jess
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OriginalRhyku
Thu, 2016-10-06 08:44
Weirdelf
Trite, maybe, but right, definitely, for far too many poor souls due to poorly thought out, aggressive, preemptive attack(s).
author commentvalene
Wed, 2016-10-05 21:55
'Tis sad but rings true
I fear there's no place that can be considered safe these days. How many people have died not because they're the target but because they've been in the wrong place at the wrong time?! Your words ring true and it makes me sad to say that. I think your rhyming is well done and my only suggestion is that if you remove out the word 'frantic' than the verse reads a bit smoother. Even without it your words still create the image of a desperate father holding his daughter who's been killed. I can't say I enjoyed the read, ONLY because of the topic. Long story short, me thinks you did good!
val
OriginalRhyku
Thu, 2016-10-06 08:21
Val,
Your comments are certainly in the right place at the right time. I will think of a word to insert instead of frantic. I used that word to try and depict the frenzied hope, fear and desperation of a father vainly willing his child to return to life through his embraces.
author commentvalene
Thu, 2016-10-06 11:54
glad i could help
As i said, i thought you expressed yourself well, it was just that one word that felt it didn't quite fit. I was looking at synonyms for frantic but unfortunately most have 2 syllables, and I'm not sure 'crazed' being a 1 syllable word is what you want. I'm also thinking again that you may not need to replace 'frantic' at all because the scene you've described allows the reader to realize how desperate and sad this father's feeling holding his lifeless daughter. It's a powerful image on it's own.
OriginalRhyku
Thu, 2016-10-06 12:10
Val
Thanks for your positive affirmation. As I said in another review of your poem in another stream, you have a natural knack for words and storytelling and you need to combine the poems and additional material into your first novel. Happy writing.
author comment