Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Nippon Sun... Implied imagery workshop

Like a red-hot copper cent
sun rise in the pale blue sky
I know why, the Japanese have lent
Goddom to the reddend, baleful eye

It sizzles, burns the brain
to a spot of flaming crimson
In the bamboo-forest it rains
on the islands of the Nippon

Glorious warmth of red
spreads dim light of dawn
Sleepy night has fled
leaves wet tracks on the lawn

The taste of green is folded up
wrapped in smokey leaves
Steamed in the light of teacup
while the shadows sigh and grieve

Elder trees and bamboo grass
share in the carmine light
Crane and dragon shadows pass
Silhouettes black as night

Cherry blossoms bloom
in the land of the rising sun
Night gives daylight room
and now the dream is done

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I'm glad you didn't ramble on and blur the images.

The fourth stanza was my favourite, (if you're interested.) but I like the whole of the piece.

Obi.

automatically hitting the N/A button for critique, that I did it without thinking and now it won't delete.
Yes, I am interested in why you thought that particular stanza should be your favorite. I was trying to keep the images sharp in order to focus on the mood. Thanks, ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment

Great choice of words and cadence...will look forward to your dissecting the imagery...
.....................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

What a beautiful turn of words and in keeping with the crimson/red illumination of dawn. Thank you. ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.