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MY HEARTTHROB

Submitted by Jackweb on Tue, 2022-04-12 16:04

In me thou sees the light of such a day,
'cause I'm your heartthrob I always pray,
I set up my vision for the right angle,
looking forward like a flying eagle.

do not grumble about my delay,
for in thee our love is born this day,
we're like shooting stars moving forward,
don't relent or bend in the way of the froward.

love is not the way it looks and shiny,
I'm real; even my conscience testifies a tiny
truth without validation of real evidence;
for in us the Lord shall take preeminence.

I promise, guilty conscience shall never stand,
we're the two lover-birds anticipating to land.
never mind waves gliding day by day,
if we settle down, let understanding stay.

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

[This option has been removed]

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Wed, 2022-04-13 03:58

Here are a few changes...

that I would make:

In me thou sees the [light] of such a day

this relationship shall never dangle - delete [that]

do not grumble [delete mutter] about my delay

for in thee our love is born this day

we're like shooting star[s] moving forward [add an ess]

never mind waves [gliding day by day]

when we settle down, let understanding stay

I like your title, your language use is getting better
and the logic is good from beginning to end.
I think with a few changes, that it will smooth out.
~ Geez.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jackweb

Wed, 2022-04-13 08:23

Please

check the stanza 1 you ask me to remove if the line is ok. Thanks!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Geezer

Wed, 2022-04-13 13:49

I meant...

for you to remove just the word [that], not the whole line.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jackweb

Wed, 2022-04-13 16:47

Oh I lost it

And I don't have a draft. But is the replaced line ok?

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2022-04-14 09:56

Yes...

It's fine. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Jackweb

Thu, 2022-04-14 16:43