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MY HEARTTHROB

In me thou sees the light of such a day,
'cause I'm your heartthrob I always pray,
I set up my vision for the right angle,
looking forward like a flying eagle.

do not grumble about my delay,
for in thee our love is born this day,
we're like shooting stars moving forward,
don't relent or bend in the way of the froward.

love is not the way it looks and shiny,
I'm real; even my conscience testifies a tiny
truth without validation of real evidence;
for in us the Lord shall take preeminence.

I promise, guilty conscience shall never stand,
we're the two lover-birds anticipating to land.
never mind waves gliding day by day,
if we settle down, let understanding stay.

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

that I would make:

In me thou sees the [light] of such a day

this relationship shall never dangle - delete [that]

do not grumble [delete mutter] about my delay

for in thee our love is born this day

we're like shooting star[s] moving forward [add an ess]

never mind waves [gliding day by day]

when we settle down, let understanding stay

I like your title, your language use is getting better
and the logic is good from beginning to end.
I think with a few changes, that it will smooth out.
~ Geez.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

check the stanza 1 you ask me to remove if the line is ok. Thanks!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

for you to remove just the word [that], not the whole line.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

And I don't have a draft. But is the replaced line ok?

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

It's fine. ~ Geezer.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I'm really grateful Geezer!

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

is a copy of your original submission

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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just follow Geezer's instruction and you will smooth out your poem, which is quite good!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Both of you! I will do as you rightly said. Thank you so much Geezer and Cat.

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

dear Jack,
I greatly enjoy reading your poetry, so it is not a problem to comment on them.

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

I appreciate your words

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment

A lot of the words are almost Olde English but that's OK. But angle and eagle are pretty far apart as far as rhyme goes. Enjoyed the read

I used it intentionally. Thanks for spotting the line
; eagle & angle

"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb

author comment
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