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MY HEARTTHROB
In me thou sees the light of such a day,
'cause I'm your heartthrob I always pray,
I set up my vision for the right angle,
looking forward like a flying eagle.
do not grumble about my delay,
for in thee our love is born this day,
we're like shooting stars moving forward,
don't relent or bend in the way of the froward.
love is not the way it looks and shiny,
I'm real; even my conscience testifies a tiny
truth without validation of real evidence;
for in us the Lord shall take preeminence.
I promise, guilty conscience shall never stand,
we're the two lover-birds anticipating to land.
never mind waves gliding day by day,
if we settle down, let understanding stay.
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Not Explicit Content
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Author information
Region & Country
Imo State - Eastern Nigeria
Favorite Poets
Late Christopher Okigbo, Wole soyinka, Maya Angelou, W.H. Longfellow, John Milton, W.B. Yeat etc..., One of the best sources of my inspirations for poetry is deep meditation and imagination and taking out a favorite phrase or line from other poems. I could be inspired through striking titles! Many things could activate my mind to write. It's not a one way traffic! Sometimes negative mood inspires me to write. (Vice versa)., Whenever I write, I got up lifted and relieved. Poetry is the best genre I have ever chosen in life. The shortest way to express my emotions and feelings is through poetry.
Comments
Geezer
Wed, 2022-04-13 03:58
Here are a few changes...
that I would make:
In me thou sees the [light] of such a day
this relationship shall never dangle - delete [that]
do not grumble [delete mutter] about my delay
for in thee our love is born this day
we're like shooting star[s] moving forward [add an ess]
never mind waves [gliding day by day]
when we settle down, let understanding stay
I like your title, your language use is getting better
and the logic is good from beginning to end.
I think with a few changes, that it will smooth out.
~ Geez.
It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:23
Please
check the stanza 1 you ask me to remove if the line is ok. Thanks!
"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2022-04-13 13:49
I meant...
for you to remove just the word [that], not the whole line.
Sorry for the misunderstanding. ~ Geezer.
.
It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 16:47
Oh I lost it
And I don't have a draft. But is the replaced line ok?
"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2022-04-14 09:56
Yes...
It's fine. ~ Geezer.
.
It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?
Jackweb
Thu, 2022-04-14 16:43
Thank you
I'm really grateful Geezer!
"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb
author commentRay Whitaker
Sat, 2022-04-16 10:24
in the header "Revisions" above
is a copy of your original submission
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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Candlewitch
Wed, 2022-04-13 07:22
good work, Jack!
just follow Geezer's instruction and you will smooth out your poem, which is quite good!
*hugs, Cat
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:02
Infinite thanks
Both of you! I will do as you rightly said. Thank you so much Geezer and Cat.
"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:10
no problems,
dear Jack,
I greatly enjoy reading your poetry, so it is not a problem to comment on them.
*hugs, Cat
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Jackweb
Wed, 2022-04-13 08:29
Well done Ma
I appreciate your words
"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb
author commentscribbler
Thu, 2022-04-14 16:55
Hi
A lot of the words are almost Olde English but that's OK. But angle and eagle are pretty far apart as far as rhyme goes. Enjoyed the read
Jackweb
Thu, 2022-04-14 20:22
Old English
I used it intentionally. Thanks for spotting the line
; eagle & angle
"Poetic license
gives
the poets
the free will to
embroider a good tale
and deviate from the established rules of language"~Jackweb
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