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More Doors

Submitted by docmaverick on Mon, 2012-07-23 03:04

I must sit down and turn around
be mindful as I sit,

the reason you can't see my face
is it's covered with your spit!

This gravy-train is quite insane
I chew my food real good;

I have a way of saying things
but I'm so, misunderstood!

It's alright, I'll be polite
and say what's on my mind;

if negatives breed negatives
I'll be the other kind.

With borrowed soap, I can't lose hope
and air my cares outside;

if the time's not right and at this height,
it'll be impossible to hide!

Tweedle-dee, and tweedle-dum
no worries in the rain;

all my good and bad times
end up going down the drain.

Seems to me my final plea
won't say as much as yours;

my journey's almost over
while you've still a lot more doors!

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-07-25 00:27

weirdelf's picture
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I would try re-writing it in the first person, I think it would have more impact.
Just as an example-

I sit down and turn around
mindful as I sit,

the reason you can't see my face
is it's covered with your spit!

This gravy-train is quite insane
but, I chew my food real good;

It's my usual argument with your work, but can you see my point? We convey our power by owning it, not telling others what to do.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

docmaverick

Wed, 2012-07-25 04:29

docmaverick's picture

...I found a long forgotten notebook where I "sketched", for a time or two.
Thanx, for that;
doc.

Neopoet is "newtriffic" !
...from the heart, or a reasonable faxcimile;
david a. goodwin #{:>{)} @==

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