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Moonlight Gossamer

Submitted by BettyBuff on Tue, 2016-07-12 19:19

Argent arrows of the night
throw silver tips right
into ice-glass shards
of gossamer gleam

The shape a silver ship
a lovely thing to carry
my dreams

A formation of ranked threads
so delicate a mere tread
would sever so silky a squadron
framing a midnight tableau

Alone moth- moonlight gossamer
breaks ranks
flutters the sheer scene
willing a wisp woven
anew

Last few words: 
A lone moth caught in moonlight...wistful thoughts...picking up the pen again after a long, long time xx
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Tue, 2016-07-12 23:15

weirdelf's picture
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elusive, prosodic techniques, not overly structured. I like this a lot.
However... (there's always a 'however', that's what we're here for) did you read it aloud? It's a bit of a tongue twister, I noticed before trying to record it because I always, always read my poetry aloud, one gets in the habit of 'hearing' the work whilst reading it.
Also with gossamer in the title then used twice in the body I found a bit much. And breaks rank rather than ranks.
Anyway I think it could use just a little trimming, I hope my reading helps
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/moonlight-gossamer-by

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

BettyBuff

Wed, 2016-07-13 18:44

BettyBuff's picture

Hello Jess!
Thank you, I have read it out loud....and my tongue can twist it...I like the sound of it....when I've got 5 mins spare, i'll record it, to prove it so in my dulcet english tones!
Yes, you're quite right about 'breaks rank'...will correct.
TTFN
Ells x

author comment

jane210660

Wed, 2016-07-13 03:54

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Glad to see you writing again.
Very impressive.
Lots a love Jxxx

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BettyBuff

Wed, 2016-07-13 18:46

BettyBuff's picture

Hi Jane,
Oh so glad you signed up to this...the muse has struck again. It had left me for a good while...I might dip in a bit more, if you're going to be here more often!
Catch up soon.
Ells x

author comment

jane210660

Thu, 2016-07-14 05:18

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Lots a love, hopefully get chance to meet up for a natter when 'the move' has finished.
Jxx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

Esker

Wed, 2016-07-13 17:26

Esker's picture

I sought the trill and bell of melodic poetry
(thats what I think about rhyme)
robust and rowdy
delicate with finesse

this is finesse
excellent poem!

thank U!

Esker

Wed, 2016-07-13 17:29

Esker's picture

they are full of liveliness
with all their struggle
and live most in the night
bats hunt them and others
they are like little crafts
designed for agility

I saw a lunar moth but twice
in my life
the essence of night
with its magic is captured

thank U! (again)

BettyBuff

Wed, 2016-07-13 18:51

BettyBuff's picture

Hi Esker!
Long time...blah, blah...
I love it when you look over my work...coming from the best freeform poet on here (in my opinion)...love the sound of words, don't you?
See, even you find the right word to describe a moth...a 'lunar craft'...perfect.
Ells :)

author comment

Esker

Wed, 2016-07-13 20:40

Esker's picture

Lunar 'Craft"
ha...excellent!!
ahh.I dont think Im the best here..
but thank U for the compliment...
(blushing)
I do love the sound of words
the tongue twisting especially!!
been missing U
!!

Esker:)

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