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A MAN'S ABACUS

One for waking up
One for the food I have eaten
And I am yet to eat
Like my mother taught me long ago
I still count my blessings

One for my safety
And one for my health
Why is it after all these
I do not feel thankful?

Darkness, my old friend has turned on me
I can feel him judging me through the blackness
As I stare at the wall blankly
My mind both working and empty
He whispers and laughs behind my back
I thought you were strong, he chides me
And I just lie here,
Broken

One for the music that warms my heart
And one for the poetry that touches my soul
My lighthouse from stormy seas
They guide me home each time
Though each time I find my way back
I am battered and broken

One for these stories I have learnt to tell
Beautiful, I have heard them being called
But they open the curtains to my heart
And let a bit of sunshine in
Some air to freshen the confines
For just a few moments,
I can breathe again

Lastly, one for the friendships
That have made this journey agreeable
For the jokes that have made us laugh
And the tragedies that made us cry
The tales we are yet to tell
A. SWANTALALA

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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Comments

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, titled "A Man's Abacus," is a contemplative exploration of gratitude and the human experience. The speaker recounts the lessons of their mother, who taught them to count their blessings, and proceeds to list various aspects of their life for which they are grateful. However, despite the speaker's attempts to focus on the positive, they find themselves grappling with darkness and feelings of brokenness. The poem ends on a hopeful note, acknowledging the importance of friendship and the potential for renewal.

One potential line edit could be to change "I thought you were strong, he chides me" to "I thought you were stronger, he chides me." This small change not only maintains the rhythm and flow of the line, but also emphasizes the speaker's disappointment in themselves for not being able to overcome their struggles.

Overall, the poem effectively captures the complexities of gratitude and the impact of both positive and negative experiences on our lives. The inclusion of the abacus metaphor adds an interesting layer to the poem, highlighting the idea of counting and measuring aspects of our existence. The language is simple yet poignant, allowing the emotions conveyed to resonate with the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Hi, Kat. This is actually the first time anyone has said this about my poetry. I usually don't even try to orate it. I'm glad you enjoyed reading my work and you were kind enough to leave such a positive review

author comment

Hello!
So meditative. I've read your reflective poem a couple times now. You have a profound title, letting the reader know this will be a sum of incidents pertaining to life, the blessings and the trials. Very frank in nature, but with sincere gratitude and wisdom.
Lovely!
L

I wrote the piece going through a hard time and I just felt like I should try to see what in my life I'm grateful for. Something positive to look at. I'm really glad you enjoyed it

author comment
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