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A New Moon
The smell of dust and burning wood
And those loud booms mom hid me from
Yesterday I peeked out
And the whole street is full of rabble
There are bricks everywhere
Smoke rising in all directions
I can only ask one question
What's happening to my home?
There's a man on top of the bricks
He's been lying there on the sun
For a long time now
And he's sleeping at a funny angle
Mom cried when I asked about it
He's not the only one
Anyways, there's a lump at the back of my head
When they pushed me back I hit the wall hard
Before they dragged my mother away
Kicking and screaming
"Please don't hurt my son" She yelled
That was three days ago
I snuck outside last night
When the thunderous sounds stopped
Looked at the moon for a few moments
It looked so beautiful
So peaceful and serene
Almost as if it's the same one
But I know it's not the same moon
This one shines on rabble and smoke
And on men lying facedown in the street
It shines on starved and frightened children
And the distant cries of their mothers
A. SWANTALALA
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2023-10-27 01:00
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "A New Moon" presents a vivid and poignant picture of a war-torn environment, effectively using imagery and the perspective of a child to elicit emotional responses from readers. However, there are areas where the poem could be improved for clarity and impact.
The first stanza sets the scene well, with sensory details such as "the smell of dust and burning wood" and "loud booms". However, the transition from the first to the second stanza is abrupt. The poem might benefit from a smoother transition that maintains the narrative flow.
The line "He's not the only one" is ambiguous. While it could be inferred that this refers to other people lying on the bricks, it would be more effective to clarify this point for the reader.
The narrative in the fourth stanza is compelling, but the line "That was three days ago" seems out of place. It might be more effective to incorporate this detail into the narrative more seamlessly.
The final stanza effectively contrasts the peaceful moon with the chaotic scene on the ground. However, the line "But I know it's not the same moon" could be rephrased for clarity. The moon is, in fact, the same, but the child's perception of it has changed due to the circumstances. This could be made clearer to enhance the impact of the poem.
Finally, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of punctuation. For example, the line "What's happening to my home?" is the only one that ends with a question mark. Consistent punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and enhance its overall flow.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
Sat, 2023-10-28 05:55
A New Moon
Hello, Trail,
Unsettling, It is surreal - the gift of the beautiful moon against the terrifying reality of war. You have described it all too well. Prayers for peace.
Thank you,
L