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Love's Elixir

Submitted by Dramen85 on Tue, 2020-07-14 12:23

She has slender hands,
They caress with care.
Her skin, soft and tanned.
Wild like a horse mane flows her hair.
Piercing and deep is her gaze.
As a moon lit ocean crashes its waves,
my heart stops when I hear her breathe.
Perfectly curved her body lays,
Like sunset; on lazy desert days.

I cannot escape this lovely bliss,
She calms my quarrels with a gentle kiss.
Sweeter than honeysuckles are her lips,
Moist and creamy the garden drips.
I love her more than Christ did the church,
Giving her the world, to show her worth.
Intertwined together like a cobra’s dance,
Her voice traps me in charmer’s trance.

When she’s near, my blood boils.
The foxes will be stopped, before the vine spoils.
When she is far, the lighthouse searches.
Like the eagle scans the sky while he perches.
My cup runneth over,
contents of intoxication leaking.
But this sea of love will stop the ship from sinking.
A vampire’s bite, a mermaid’s song-
It feels so right, it can’t be wrong.
Like the rapture pulling saints from the grave,
My love’s savor, I will always crave.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Teddy15

Tue, 2020-07-14 12:40

Teddy15's picture
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So I am a huge fan of romance and can only hope that, she is real for you otherwise my heart will weep.
My fave line---

But this sea of love will stop the ship from sinking. At last I have read a love poem.

Your title I like because I knew what this was about!

Thank you...Teddy

Dramen85

Wed, 2020-07-15 11:45

Dramen85's picture

Thanks Teddy,
This poem is about my wife, who I still have. We were engaged at the time when I wrote it.

Daniel Robichaud

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Teddy15

Wed, 2020-07-15 12:11

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Well she's very lucky, I like what you did with your title.

Thank you...Teddy

raj

Tue, 2020-07-14 13:45

you have used great imagination while comparing various stages of your craving for your Love with other natural forms...i liked it immensely...

thanks for the treat....

.

raj (sublime_ocean)

c lynn brooks

Tue, 2020-07-14 17:01

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beautifully written. A poem this fine deserves a stronger title give it a try

your Dad was a fine man and I see you follow in his footsteps

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Dramen85

Wed, 2020-07-15 11:46

Dramen85's picture

Thanks Brooks,
I changed the title to "Love's Elixir", I think that it resonates more with the content of the poem.

Daniel Robichaud

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Lavender

Tue, 2020-07-14 22:03

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Hello, Dramen,
Even though you have selected free verse, there does seem to be a structure here, maybe just a bit loose. Very tender. Sometimes I find a poem within a poem:

As a moonlit ocean crashes its waves,
my heart stops when I hear her breathe.
Perfectly curved, her body lays
like sunset on lazy desert days.

Beautiful!
Thank you!
Lavender

Dramen85

Wed, 2020-07-15 11:49

Dramen85's picture

Thanks Lavender,

This one is about my wife, when I wrote it we were engaged. The feeling of being love was so strong for me I had to write a poem about it. I tried capturing that feeling with imagery from nature. Thank you for your input.

Daniel Robichaud

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raj

Wed, 2020-07-15 12:43

Good change in title...nice photo of you two ...

wish you both a long journey full of love...

be well..

raj (sublime_ocean)

Geezer

Thu, 2020-07-16 09:42

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the love just dripping from every branch here; and I can understand the reluctance to include it in the category of stuctured
western. However, it is a variety of structure and western. The structure is in the obvious rhyming of lines in a predictable manner. Good job. ~ Geez.
.

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Candlewitch

Fri, 2020-08-07 15:15

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the whole poem is just breath taking! every line has perfect clarity. she is a lucky lady, for certain! fantastic work!

always, Cat

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Dramen85

Sat, 2020-08-08 13:00

Dramen85's picture

Thank you. I did my best to capture that feeling and essence of love.

Daniel Robichaud

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