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When Wings Fail

Why did the bird try?
Knowing that salaries,
Summaries and lies-
Have always tricked the unwise.
Peaking over the nest,
Beyond the crest and past his beak.
Forgetting that his wings too weak,
his parents gone, he’s-
Lost advice and familiar faces.
Now murky as polluted rivers,
Memories melt much like-
the snow from passing winters.

As the bird sings to flight.
It cheers, and flaps
And flies, until the crunch;
Of its bones and membranes.
Now the pain channels through,
Like bursting pipes beneath the roads.
Collapsed, exposed,
Kicking the goads.
The ground is low.
He looks around; alarmed!
Hearing the sound of his racing heart,
Thump, thump, boom and boom,
His nerves jostled apart-
From the fright of future doom.

Running and racing,
Round and round.
Up the tree, to no avail.
Despite how fast,
his thin legs pace-
they cannot take him home.
Way up there, in the tree,
Above the branches-
The only path is-
Vertically.
Breathing hard, shaking, alone-
Freezing, tired; so many unknowns.

The little bird finally remembers;
On his right and to his left,
Rest appendages of potential.
To reach the destination,
that he seeks-
They are crucial and essential.
Flapping away once again,
he forces the air beneath him.
Without a care, but much to lose.
Up, up, up he goes, almost there-
Until the sting stops his wing from working.
Warnings of woe he crashes below; circling.
His beady eyes detect demise; observing-
So many watchful creatures lurking.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I just want to get better.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Explicit Content

Comments

I wrote this a couple of years ago.

Daniel Robichaud

author comment

Thanks Teddy,
For some reason when I work on a poem I tend to write them with a fast paced beat.

Daniel Robichaud

author comment

What took you so long? Your work is very good and surely you must have been told that. I can only surmise that in your poem, where you have said essentially that failure is expected and "so many watchful creatures lurking" ; gave you pause. Nonetheless, you have written a very fine piece and I look forward to seeing more from you. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Thanks Geezer,
I've been told that before, but poems for me take a long to generate into a completed work. My dad told me to get on Neopoet many times, should have listened to the old man years ago.

Daniel Robichaud

author comment

many times
my poems he did scan
now you replace him
o young man
as
''sun man''
you compose lovely poems
with me continue your fathers trend
if you may
but do scan em some
any way
thanks and welcome

Thank you Lovedly,

I like the new nickname, "Sun Man". I will definitely do my best.

Daniel Robichaud

author comment

Firstly a great welcome to Neopoet,
Your Father and myself spent a lot of time sorting out poetry, and I always thank him for editing my book before it went to print, his name appears on the front cover.
This work is much to full and races away, a slower version would be great..
I hope we can guide you in the poetry world and never be afraid to ask of us, was it one of your children, I sent a dolls house doll to, a while back??
I hope we can spend many hours reflecting his teachings.
Yours, Ian ..

Words can build a nation

No. This poem is about a little mocking bird that was in my backyard. It flew into a window and broke its wing. For some reason it really stuck with me. I even named him Limpy. Thank you for your insights.
-Daniel

Daniel Robichaud

author comment
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