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Live Letters...

Submitted by Geezer on Wed, 2023-06-21 10:36

This morning I had text
Surprise, my sister Kay
She used to write our mom
every Monday, like a clock

Now, Mom is gone
We have started our own thing
Sporadic, it's true
But satisfying, it hits that spot

Our coffee-time, breakfast
Satisfaction with life
Or the aches in our hearts
From day-to-day living

Discussions of art
Little projects of self-satisfaction
She was up early
Going to have her say, be gone before I got there, busy

I fooled her... up early myself
Magic cookies made for a good night
Dreams of old stuff, new beginnings
I said, "Only a few more poems"

Dedicated to Mom, our own Superwoman
She said to keep her advised
I asked about the angel mirror I engraved, what happened to it?
She said sold, for the rent in troubled times

At least it wasn't broken
Somebody wanted it
It made me feel good
I wonder how long before it breaks

They always do...

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2023-06-21 16:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: Live Letters...

The poem explores themes of family, communication, and the passage of time. The use of conversational language and the narrative structure help to create an intimate atmosphere, as if the reader is privy to a personal exchange between siblings.

1. Structure and Pacing: The poem is divided into stanzas of varying lengths, which gives it an organic feel. However, it might benefit from a more consistent structure, as this could help to create a stronger sense of rhythm and flow. Consider experimenting with a fixed number of lines per stanza or a specific meter to achieve this.

2. Imagery and Symbolism: The poem includes some interesting imagery, such as the "angel mirror" and "cookies made for a good night." However, the meaning behind these images could be made clearer to enhance their impact. Consider providing more context or elaborating on the significance of these images within the poem.

3. Emotional Resonance: The poem effectively conveys a sense of nostalgia and the importance of maintaining connections with loved ones. To deepen the emotional resonance, consider exploring the feelings and memories associated with the mother more explicitly. This could be achieved by describing specific moments or experiences shared between the siblings and their mother.

4. Clarity: Some lines in the poem might benefit from rephrasing for improved clarity. For example, "She was up early / Going to have her say, be gone" could be restructured to better convey the intended meaning. Additionally, the line "They always do..." might be more impactful if it is clear what "they" refers to.

By addressing these points and refining the poem's structure, imagery, and emotional resonance, the poem has the potential to create a more powerful and evocative reading experience.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Fri, 2023-06-23 11:37

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Considering that this poem is of a free-verse form, I will take your message of a more cosistent
structure, with a grain of salt. I was hoping to achieve the end result you spoke of, with the convesational
language and structure.

I will take your advice of making an effort to be clearer about the "angel mirror" and "the cookies", by the addition
of a couple words in each case.

I see the sense of making more of the children connection with our mother for more of an emotional resonance.
The clarity of the line about "Going to have her say and be gone" can be fixed by a few words, likewise
"They always do".

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author comment

Seren

Fri, 2023-06-23 10:45

Seren's picture

Wow, I live this one and love it as well. I love it when you tell stories about your family and those in it, I almost feel like I know them in a sense. I went through this a few times I can't see anything I'd change. I will return tomorrow when I am not so tired. It's been a night.

Well Done!!

love an higgliest bugs Sis xxx

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

Geezer

Fri, 2023-06-23 11:09

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I guess maybe that is my intent, to help others see my family dynamic, to understand my work better. I am flattered that you take the time to measure the emotion against what you know of the world and your own family. I always appreciate your input and thoughts, lots of love and higgest bugs, ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment
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