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Before I Wake [February Contest]

Submitted by T. Harmonee on Fri, 2018-02-16 08:33

Deep sleep slipping
Into the cosmos of the sandman,
My body floats into a world
Where my imagination runs
Through hills,
I stand singing on a comet
And dancing
Along the milky way,
Riding on Saturn’s rings

As I jump out into the ether,
Just to find I don’t fall. I fly.
Sightseeing among the stars, I’m blinded.
It is morning.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
OUT OF THIS WORLD

Comments

IRiz

Fri, 2018-02-16 11:14

IRiz's picture
Volunteer badge

Hello!
I have not seen you before here.
Thank you for the great poem that feels like a mother paw itself.
I love the soft sounding beginning of it. I relate to it.
The ringing and echoing sound of the hooves against metallic sparkling star dust is the vivid continuation of the poem dream antithesis to grey reality.
Great poem.

Horseback riding I think is fine
I am not sure you need to write horsebacking,
Correct me if I am wrong please.

IRiz

T. Harmonee

Tue, 2018-02-20 07:56

T. Harmonee's picture

Read it again. I think you have a point, horseback is not needed.

--

"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

author comment

IRiz

Fri, 2018-02-16 11:54

IRiz's picture
Volunteer badge

I just meant ing ending to the word horseback.

Would you like to try to write a sunku?
A new short form poem in three stanzas,
each stanza has three lines with 2-3-4
sillobi structure. I would love to hear a new voice like yours there. Let me know what you think.

IRiz

raj

Fri, 2018-02-16 13:00

Your poem has necessary ingredient to qualify for posting it in the February Contest. You may consider it..

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

T. Harmonee

Tue, 2018-02-20 07:56

T. Harmonee's picture

Thanks for the tip

--

"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

author comment

raj

Fri, 2018-02-16 13:52

If you decide to classify this poem as part of the February Contest, all you need to do is to
suffix the Title of your poem with [February Contest] as also select the option February Contest

Regards...

raj (sublime_ocean)

Eumolpus

Mon, 2018-02-19 22:48

Eumolpus's picture

Nice work. I especially like the end

As I jump out into the ether,
Just to find I don’t fall. I fly.
Sightseeing among the stars, I’m blinded.
It is morning.

The poem about slipping into sleep, into a comfort world, imagination and dream does not fit the title to me. I understand the intent, but would prefer a title connected more to the theme of falling a lseep in some way.

That has a wonderful abstraction that works in the mind of (this ) reader

I would reconsider "Into the cosmos of the sandman" I think the sandman puts you in a state, not brings you somewhere..but sandman seems a bit corny to me.

Lastly I would prefer

I stand singing on a comet
Along the milky way,
Riding on Saturn’s rings

not sure you need to mention MJ , and confuses the image with the horseback. To me this alone carries us along with you.

Pleasant dreams.

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

T. Harmonee

Tue, 2018-02-20 07:56

T. Harmonee's picture

I choose the title because everything in the poem supports the fact that Monday brings you out of your dream and state of comfort, which the poem describes. The details like MJ, just describes the ability to do extraordinary things in your dreams.

--

"Poetry is music for the human voice. Until you actually speak it or someone speaks it, it has not come into it's own."
- Maya Angelou

author comment

Eumolpus

Wed, 2018-02-28 12:10

Eumolpus's picture

You poem could be nicely added to the Handel Opera Alceste, with this lovely song of sleep:

Gentle Morpheus, son of night,
hither speed thy airy flight!
and his weary senses steep
in the balmy dew of sleep.

Nice poem! I think your language is great.. deep sleep slipping, sightseeing the stars, ... it is "music for the human voice",

>>

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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