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Leaving the Nest

 

Little birdies leave their nest

To pass or fail the test

Creating emptiness

In hearts of moms and dads

It’s happiness to see them fly so well

Feeling misty, knowing when they return

They’ll be reformed

No longer a mother’s child

Life is not the same

Now that they’ve matured

Final strings have been trimmed

They never return as before

An empty nest, quiet, filled with memories

Of sons and daughters lost at sea, living water

Heart of endless tugging, mended

A few miles from home, a phone call away

 

 

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I can relate altough I have no children. I still call my late girlfriend grandaughter my grandaughter. She's married now and lives across town. She calls me almost every day. An empty nest can get boring and lonely. But thank God she's gone LOL. Take Care. huey

Same here. Lonely nest, glad they are gone.

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
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author comment

it would read better.

Now the poem, Barbara, I think it's cute, in not a good way.

It needs something extra to give it real substance. Sorry.

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

thank Jess

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
All Neopoet members are welcome to join in the round robin fun.
Collaboration Poetry Workshop

author comment

Chicklets leave their nest To pass or fail the test [of survival?] Creating emptiness In hearts of moms and dads It’s happiness to see them fly so well Feeling misty [misty? something stronger needed], knowing when they return They’ll be reformed [from what crime] No longer a mother’s child Life is not the same Now that they’ve matured Final strings have been trimmed They never return as before An empty nest, quiet, filled with memories Of sons and daughters lost at sea, living water Heart of endless tugging, mended A few miles from home, a phone call away

See? Apart from some rhymes, it flows like prose. Some suspect phrases "Feeling misty", "They’ll be reformed" [from what? were they criminals?] , "Of sons and daughters lost at sea" This is out of place, it lacks internal logic.

Sorry, you know I respect your work, but this is a bit of a mishmash. I don't know how to fix it. I wish I could be more constructive.

On the other hand maybe I am being stupid and missing the whole point. Enlighten me,

cheers,
Jess
Everything changes bar one. Neopoet's 'Prime Directive'-
"Critique don't comment".
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

your suggestions makes plenty sense and i will fix this with your suggestion when my mind is better to write the flow of it. thanks. i know you would give constructive crit that i use and appreciate.
sometimes i write to ease my mind of the stressing thought that traps me mentally. this poem was one of those moments and not well written. smile- thanks again.

*The Collaboration Poetry Workshop
Eternal Renga
Amqerican Version of Japanese Poetry
All Neopoet members are welcome to join in the round robin fun.
Collaboration Poetry Workshop

author comment
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