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The last time I was lost

I walked past the meat section feeling icy fingers on my bare arms
Holding my mother's hand tight made me feel safe from harm
Walking past the toy aisle my brain pulled my legs toward an amazing land
Filled with joy and amazement I didn't hear my mother's command
Fascinated and fixated on a wonderful toy, I never felt my safety leave me
I stood there for hours playing with all the wonderful toys feeling free
I felt the icy grip of fingers on my skin, and I reached out to my mother for warmth
Panic set on my innocent brain, and I looked around desperately for my compass north
I yelled out her name but only got burned by the stares of strangers standing near
My breath started to catch as if hands encircled my throat and I was frozen with fear
Then I sucked in a breath and began the long journey to find what I had lost
I slowly walked aisle by aisle shivering from my fright like I was covered in frost
After I had made the long trek to the end of the store without anything found
A waterfall of tears gushed from my eyes and I fell hard to the ground
Then from the speakers, I heard my savior's voice calling to me
Telling me to come to the front where my mother was waiting with glee
I ran to the front desk like a cheetah running after its prey
I had finally found my safe haven and we could continue the long day

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Viv,

you gave a moment in your life a heartbeat drawing the reader in & feeling what you felt.

I played with those toys without worry but then felt the panic of being lost in a moment that suddenly became unsafe.

Emotion packed writing in a short piece; that is the genius of it. Well rhymed without giving the sense of them being forced just to fit. Nice job!

Regards

One

ps. Do we get to vote for a favourite in this competition? You have mine if it counts.

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

and no prizes for these little exercises, but you do get a certificate through your e-mail, suitable for printing out and hanging on your wall. Kind of a "Hey, this is me thing, that you can show your friends and family. There is going to be a poet of the year contest; where everyone who wins a poem of the month contest, [and pick of prize, $25 Amazon card, a Neopoet Mug, or a tote bag]. The contest is in two parts, six months apart, everyone gets to vote then and again at the end of the year, when the two winners face off for poet of the year. That prize is $100. Put your best writing up and who knows? ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I think the gifts only apply to US members; nothing for UK but hey! It's the taking part that counts.

cheers mate,

One

.
"with all that I am & all that I could be, I walk this earth, yet nobody sees me"

just the money prizes are available for anyone outside the US. Sorry about that. Hey, money is always a welcome prize, right?
~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

I really don't know, I think the main people do.
Thanks so much

Kisses,
Vivi

author comment

glad to see you back! I missed you. This is one of those stories that I think every child has had experience with at least once. That moment when you realize that you have lost your lifeline and you are ALONE! The icy fingers and chills that you leave on the page, had me gripping my mother's hand even tighter. I was right there with you, when you gave out the line; "Panic set on my innocent brain, and I looked around for my compass north." I guess Mother, was a little bit unsympathetic?
[She waited with glee]. Kind of like; "I told you to stay close, see what can happen?" Or was it " Oh, God, I'm so glad you are safe!" Anyway, good write. Be sure to come by more often. ~ Geez.
.

It seems that the days and hours that people
are available for chatroom are staggered and
not a good match for most everyone. How about
if everyone just shows up at the door, whenever
they have a few free minutes?

it was more like I told you so
haha thanks I missed yall so I came back

Kisses,
Vivi

author comment

that is quite a tale of terror, that many children have experienced. and been unable to voice with such eloquence and authenticity. I know, because it happened to me at a county fair. I really liked how the plot developed and some of the lines accentuated by repetition. I would like to read more of your work and be thrilled to have you read and comment on mine!

*hugs, Cat

When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

ill definitely check yours out
I remember seeing them before they were creative, funny, and amazing. Freshman year for me has been hard to get free time especially since i go to a college prep school. Hope i get the time to see yours

Kisses,
Vivi

author comment
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