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The Job (story in verse workshop)

" Valentine's Day,
this world is out of kilter,
and they, they are more than deserving,
for there is no god, no woven magic
and everything is permitted."

He hadn't always thought this way,
before the fire it was ten years old
and all is well.
He could still hear his father's voice
from the foot of the bed,
" This night, we are the deserving".
Both parents consumed, his older
brother too, and him

spared by the flames
but not the world, raped of mind, body
and soul ...
" I am who I am" as he licks the air.

He braids beads in his beard for browsing,
confidant to appear less invasive
but he's a non-conformist of the ruthless kind,
killing bugs, dogs and people all with the same
flip of the coin, believing it magnanimous to offer
chaos a cutting chance.

Dark now
the oblivious are everywhere
making their busy walk through the predatory view,
he's searching for time and opportunity
it comes at the strangest times ...
why just last week he was watching re-runs
of his favorite show, Let's make a deal,
when a young man selling Jesus knocked,
he was invited in, allowed to make the animated pitch
and then asked " why would you come here where
your god cannot protect you", the coin fell to the floor,
" looks like I'll have your sugary soul for lunch,
and save some of its tainted container for later".

" Ahh, there, a lonely one",
" a quarter after twelve and there's that smell"
the intoxicating aroma of the lady's need to share
excited every pore in his being, the coin falls,
" Hello"

Chaos averted " Tails it is "
" You dropped a coin Sir:
I like your beads "
" Why thank you ma'am,
would you join me in a cup of coffee? "
" Normally it would be no but you have
a nice face, so Yes "

Two cups and several smiles in
he's thinking about passing it on,
the Job you know, an heir.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

but it's a little skimpy.
Here's a thought. I have always felt that any exposition must walk a fine line between offering enough information that we care what happens to the character and surrendering to the reader the mysteries that make a tale compelling. An exposition should offer just enough that we feel we have a vested interest in the place, the characters and the circumstance. This comes up a little short. The language is sharp and the mood is set, but we need a little more before we're ready to go whole hog on a complication.
Why the fire? A world at war? I'm not saying give everything up at once, but offer a few more hints.
What is his status quo? It seems he's become harsh and dangerous since the disaster, but what does he do with this attitude BEFORE we lay out a complication?
You've just started, so all of this I say must be taken with a grain of salt unless you continue and no more exposition is given. Something I mentioned elsewhere also might help.
Just because we began with an exposition in the workshop (convenient) don't feel you have to put these components down in order. You can just as easily begin a complication with the exposition somewhat incomplete. Just be aware that is what you're doing. We still need more information, but it doesn't have to come all at once.
You have my attention.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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I wish I could say that the mention of the fire was thought out
more clearly, that I'd planned on elaborating later, but the truth is
that it was a spur of the moment additive, a reason for the turning
of my character ... I now see it needs something more. I like the fact
that the components don't necessarily have to come in order, gives
me a little playing room. I am working on this and will be adding to it.

thanks

Richard

author comment

here's something else that might help. When I begin to write a canto in my big poem, I have the entire story in that canto mapped out. I know exactly what I'm going to do. I simply need the poetry. When I have finished the canto I generally get about sixty percent of what I planned. Storyline has created itself and other parts of the tale have disappeared. Don't be afraid to let the story write itself. Try to keep a leash on it, but let it move around if it wants.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

So I do not sound repetitious I have to agree with Wesley
I wanted to know more about this character, and yes what fire and why
Chrys

otherwise you have captured my attention I am ready to read on

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment,
please see my response to Wesley about the fire,
I'm glad your attention was captured, hope to have more
in a day or two.

thanks

Richard

author comment

but let's have a little more of the story; how did he escape the fire, what made it different for him, that he got out? Does he feel guilty that he lived and the others didn't? Remember this is supposed to be a long poem! ~ Gee

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Thank you for reading and offering ideas on the fire,
I plan on adding to this soon, hope you will read it then.

Richard

author comment

peaks my interest in story telling

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He's Two-Face.
I'm hoping to see a serious complication here soon. What we have now needs a little clarity clean up, but not so much that you can't go on. Put the complication out here and we'll try to point precisely where it isn't clear enough.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I was going to call this done, I was thinking the complication
and climax were rolled into the thoughts of an heir ... you are
making me work for this one (thanks)

Richard

author comment

Here's how I see it. You have created a comprehensive status quo. We know the character, what he does and the unique way he decides who to do it to.
That is an exposition. We now need something to "happen" to our character. An upsetting of his status quo that will require he make some decisions. Whether he makes good decisions or bad is trivial. That he makes them at all and must suffer the consequences (good or ill) is the bulk of complication.
Does that make sense?
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

but have we lost you? I would love to see this continue if life isn't too busy. wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

this had the beginnings of a good story
are you going to work some more on it?
i was quite captured by the character and would love to see where you would take him...

i'm actually trying an epic (lol - little epic) at the moment. i am really enjoying doing it.
maybe you could start up on this again and we could work together?

anyway, if you don't work any more on this, i like the poem... but we can't call it a story :)
love and hugs
judy

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I've been conveniently forgetting this one,
damn, guess I'll need to fix that too !!!

Not sure where he's going (my character) but
it'll be interesting to find out.

author comment
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