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It Was A Long Forgotten Walk

It was a long forgotten walk
the way back home,
no birds lit up the sky
with song,
the trees had died,
all their leaves had run away
and the evening shadows were tall.

I waded through the frigid air,
each step a thought,
each breath was asking why,
but silence
was the answer that you gave
and when I looked no one was there
but ghosts of dreams
left lingering in a grave.

Are those the stars,
or God's own tears that glisten
in the sky?
I close my eyes,
forgetting all and lie down
still to die.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
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Comments

I have no words to express how alive each word, each line feels, it enveloped me in the mood it created while I read through and through. If this you call as a "rough draft" I can't even imagine where you would find room to tweak it up...i could find none...thanks for posting this..

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Your words are kind, Raj.

Thank you.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Please believe me, what I said is what i felt.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

I found I appreciated this poem even more the second time I read it. It seemed like a lost soul looking out for a lost love. Maybe I'm way off. But it seemed to resound with this feeling. Still I enjoyed it and would be interested in hearing your plain views as to what provoked this poem, provoked or inspired whatever the word is.

Keep them coming brother

What can I say ? you do sad soooo good my friend, at this minute I cant find anything to suggest, I have an abscess in my mouth and I am reading to take my mind off the pain beyond that I am useless tonight, sorry

Kudos

love JC xxxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

love the emotion in this piece, bro.its raw and its reaching deep into me.bravo!

Alid

I have to comment on the punctuation though. The use of commas throughout is excessive and unnecessary. This is one poem that actually could get away with nothing more than the question mark. Most troubling is the use of a comma before the word "and". "And" is a rejoinder and does the job of a comma. It separate two halves of a sentence and should never be used twice in a sentence.
I say this out loud because of our history in discussing mechanics.
Otherwise the poem is dark, mysterious and gorgeous.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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You've mentioned this before about my submission to your sempiternal workshop. It makes me uncomfortable getting rid of punctuation, but I'll get them out now.

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Actually, on a second read I found very few problems. I don't know where my head was at. Workshopidis I suppose. The only two problems I found are below.

each breath was asking why(,) Since "why" precedes "but" you (god help me) need to add a comma.
but silence

and when I looked(,) no one was there This comma is the only one that needs to be removed. Sorry for my earlier comment. What was I thinking?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

A touching piece Williams. I hate to say it, but can't think of anything to improve.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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