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Chair (Sonnet) - Exploration of Style WS

I could have left you many months ago
to salvage what was left of my young mind,
but I would not have had these scars to show
you now; though you were cruel, you were kind.

Throughout those frightening nights, your shadow grew,
you cast a wicked spell that held my hand
and let my mind discard all that it knew
so that it spoke your words at your command.

For twelve long months I worked beneath your shade
and when your ghost abandoned me, I wept
cold tears, what little strength I had would fade
and in my sickly condition I slept.

Each night, you propped me on my seat, it seemed,
Or I succumbed to weariness and dreamed.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This really sucks.
Editing stage: 

Comments

your best must be nigh profound.
I found no real problems with form save that the volta was weak. Not much of a turn. However, the volta is not required per se in the Elizabethan form.
The subject was poignant. Uncomfortably so. Good sign.
Is this an old writing or new?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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> Is this an old writing or new?

New. I wrote it this morning, in haste. I'll go over and edit it when I feel it's lacking.

About that volta...I know I know. I struggled with it a bit but I wanted to put something out first. I'll work on it some more.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

I enjoy how you've talked to your subject without merely talking about it.

Let it stew for a few days and come back to it.

The purpose of the workshop is to get thoughts in a form that can be turned, not to write perfection.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

Annoying the world, one person at a time

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I find meter out in a few verses ..... I have parsed them for you....

to SAVE | the SANC | -ti-TY | of my | YOUNG MIND,
but i | would NOT | have HAD | these SCARS | to SHOW

you now; though you were cruel, you were kind.(I know the dictionary classes 'cruel' as two syllables, but I think most people say it in one - it did pull me up a little - might be worth a re-think?)

so that | it SPOKE | your WORDS | at YOUR | comm-AND
and when | a-BAND | -oned by | your SPRITE | i WEPT
COLD TEARS | what LITT | -le STRENGTH | i HAD | would FADE

Haven't really any suggestions to help with the volta
All three stanzas really say the same thing... you probably need to drop one of them and write a whole new one stating how the narrator has come to terms with the break, and has learned a significant lesson

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

> All three stanzas really say the same thing...

Thanks Judy. I did say this poem sucked. You figured why. I don't like the subject. It reminds me of poems I shouldn't be writing anymore. I'll see what I can do about it, but it won't be soon.

Thanks for scanning my lines for me. I've always thought meter can be quite subjective and/or dependent on culture etc. I put in so little work this is bound to have flaws. It's pretty the way it is, but I'm uncomfortable with this.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Double post
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

And as I've said... the volta is not necessarily required in the Elizabethan.
I also agree that meter can be subjective. For example I don't agree with all of Judyanne's scansion, but can't fault it either.
Personally, I think you should return to this (sans volta if you like) and work on it as an exercise in mechanics.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

That I'll do.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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