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Jane

If we could,
let us dance this once
like graceful birds,
or galaxies entwined
in a grand enactment,
like bees over swollen flowers
just you and I, a pair

before the night goes out
and day discovers that
I am just a fascination
and your body is a song.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
A love poem
Editing stage: 

Comments

Your descriptions are lovely. I especially like the comparison to galaxies. And your word use is great too. Very descriptive without being too wordy. Solid poem.

Thanks ^^

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

Sigh, I cant offer anything except that this is beautiful. I loved all of it

If we could,
let us dance this once
like graceful birds,
or galaxies entwined
in a grand enactment,
like bees over swollen flowers
just you and I, a pair

before the night goes out
and day discovers that
I am just a fascination
and your body is a song.

only thing I would break it up like this other than that small thing I can offer nothing else

beautiful work

love JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

This makes sense. Thanks JC :)

.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment

this is beautiful...But, no punctuation?!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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In the poem? There is.

I only punctuated sparingly. The poem is actually one long sentence.

No verse is free for the man who wants to do a good job. - TS Eliot

http://www.wsgeorge.com/

author comment
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