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Ink

Submitted by Indivisible_Origin on Fri, 2023-03-24 13:08

Separate brick from bone
shattered from broken
unbreakable from just bent
Test when the gentle man
subverts the strike of
a hand with cause
when a languid lover
might submit to
some stolen power
a perception shift
Archaic ideas of weakness
failed to make you fit
To see past a forest
made of me
what trees are
who to believe
A view I let you see
Whisper to my simplest self
Clear my way and mind my mark
Lightning in a library
while you lick your lips
looking for the right page
Your mind will meet my mood
As unmoored monsters
Mow you down
To make my ink

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-03-24 13:08

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This poem offers an exploration of relationships and of the power dynamics that exist within them, as well as a commentary on the strength and determination of the speaker. There is a good use of language and imagery, with the poem beginning by juxtaposing two different concepts—brick and bone—and then exploring the differences between unbreakable and just bent, and between a gentle man and a strike of a hand with cause. The poem also effectively uses a metaphor of a library to explore the idea of searching for truth, as well as a metaphor of monsters to explore the speaker's determination. The poem is well-crafted and engaging.

One suggestion for a line edit is to replace the phrase "unmoored monsters" with "unleashed monsters" for a more vivid image. This change would emphasize the idea of the monsters being released and allowed to wreak their destruction.

Geezer

Fri, 2023-03-24 14:15

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write. The unambiguous cant of imagery has struck again! I can't tell if the gentle man has taken the bait and gone for the gusto, or maybe seen through the forest of himself and written with the ink of knighthood, ground from the bones of dragons
slain. Hmmmm, you certainly should be an ambassador of some kind. Some very interesting phrases:

"subverts the strike of a man with cause"
"to see past a forest of trees made of me"
"whisper to my simplest self"
Seeing that your poem is couched for ambiguous consumption, I will not ask for clarification, I would rather enjoy it the way it is. ~ Geezer.
.

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