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If I'm Not a Filipino..
if I'm American...
i might fill my hunger with breads and cakes. not with rice.
and probably encountered temptations of sex-permissive girls
scattered on Vegas lights.
if I'm Mexican...
it would more likely for me to turn to as a boxer.
one of those guys grasping for the healthiest grilled potato,
to beat Pacman the "Mexi-cutioner"...
if I'm European...
i could have not been much interested in the beauty of the East,
could have now drunkened by the worlds their lands give,
and would say,"Old World lonely.."
if I'm Japanese...
i would prefer much of technology rather than self-sciences,
and with city navigators and robots out working for me,
i could have lost my common sense.
if I'm Malaysian...
i might own part of blame for its claim for Sabah.
if I'm from the Pacific...
i might spend my days aboard a wooden canoe.No challenges in life.
if I'm not a Filipino...
i would never discover this nation's sincerity amidst its hypocrisy.
its beauty amidst its dirt.
its love amidst its hate.
if I'm not a Filipino...
probably i will never came to know my wife.
the princess of my heart,
and my better half in life.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-24 11:41
Hi whitescatter,
I like this, it makes me smile.
The title is good, with it's implied question of "then what am I?"
try getting rid of all the "a"s and "an"s in every first line of every stanza. I think your poem would flow better.
I would also take a look at all of the punctuation, and revise it, line by line.
Next, speak your poem aloud, and ask yourself where your words work, and where they don't. For instance, when I speak aloud the 1st stanza, I stumble on the 2nd line,
"probably had encountered temptations of sex-permissive girls"
I want to read
"and probably encountered temptations of sex-permissive girls"
That first stanza is marvelous, by the way, the imagery is wonderful! I can see myself! (heehee) Although I eat more rice than I used to!
And the ending, well yeah, that's just excellent.
I generally llike the rhythm, and I think it will improve as you edit,
and I love the theme, I think it rocks!
I hope this helps.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
crypticbard
Sun, 2010-12-05 02:25
The poetry
in this is the response to the questioned begged by defining what it's not. A quaint and often effective technique, giving depth, if not flesh to the response itself. Much enjoyed.
__________________________________________________
'write on! let these words free.'
Kailashana2
Sun, 2010-12-05 05:42
Our impressions of others,
Our impressions of others, though not *politically correct*, have some truth, eh? Love each and every juxtapositioning.
some thoughts:
if I'm American...
i might fill my hunger with breads and cakes. not with rice,
still hungry with temptations and permissive girls
scattered on Vegas lights.
if I'm Mexican...
it would have been more likely to learn boxing,
one of those guys grasping for the healthiest grilled potato,
to beat Pacman the "Mexi-cutioner"...
if I'm European...
i might not been much interested in beauty from the East,
now a drunkard on stolen new lands
yearning...."Old World lonely.."
if I'm Japanese...
i could prefer technology rather than science of self
city navigators and robots working for me,
i might have lost my common sense.
if I'm Malaysian...
i might own part of blame for its claim for Sabah.
if I'm from the Pacific...
i might spend my days aboard a wooden canoe, unchallenged but happy.
if I'm not a Filipino...
i would never discover this nation's sincerity amidst its hypocrisy.
its beauty amidst its dirt.
its love amidst its hate.
if I'm not a Filipino...
probably i will never came to know my wife.
the princess of my heart,
and my better half in life.
~A