Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Heart's Dues (Rhyme Crimes WS assign.3)
You said you'll pay my heart its due,
and fill it up with life-new,
but all you bid already I knew,
no sun or air nor drops of dew.
Understand my heart, be considerate.
Don't hesitate,come on now.
Underhand moments let's forget.
Compensate what's lost, it's never late.
It's you who'll bring my heart the joys,
rejoice the broken hearts' reunion,
when soon you give my heart its justice,
just away from pride and prejudice.
Now we are one,once again,I and you.
I'll fill and chill your heart with lively life anew,
cheer it up ,clear and clean it whenever it's blue,
and forget not to pay that heart its due.
Remember this when you've got a noble call
Remember it well whenever your heart falls
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Editing stage:
Workshop:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
User login
Author information
Region & Country
Jordan
Favorite Poets
I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and, Poets are humanity when the world lose it.
Other recent work
Active Workshops & Contests
Contest
Workshop
- Splash Pool: How to use imagery in poetry..
- Wading Pool: Neopoet How To Video Resources
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 2
- Olympic Pool: Earn A Poem Workshop 1
- Plunge Pool: Stream Workshop
Comments
judyanne
Wed, 2012-06-20 08:38
hi rula
great first verse
- i like 'due' and 'dew', but not sure of 'anew' and 'i new' (and i think you mean 'knew')
the way i understand it rula the first word(s) of the lines of the second verse are to be dactyl rhyme
three syllables need to rhyme
if you change '
Understand my heart, be considerate.
... Unpleasant moments let's forget.'
to
'Understand my heart, be considerate.
Underhand moments let's forget.'
then that is dactyl rhyme (though not the greatest rhyme as two thirds of it is identical)
- when wes said 'accent on the first' he was taliking about masculine endings (dum ta dum),
anyway, wait til wes comes if you like, but i'm pretty sure that is the exercise....
also, sorry, but it is probably me... i can't see any cross rhyme in the third verse :( and little random in the fourth :)
a great poem otherwise, but as it is in the workshop and needs specifics that i can't find i'm being picky ... sorry
love and hugs
judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Wed, 2012-06-20 09:38
few things
'knew'..it is .
Underhand..'as suggested'
Third verse
Now let's celebrate together, just you and me.
How about fresh shrimps, chips and salad.
Don’t' forget soft drinks-summer is hot.
Nothing can do a better reunion.
Across rhyme . I thought celebrate together ..the 't'
fresh and shrimps
drinks and summer
better reunion
4th one
not sure about random ...mmmmmmmmmm I think I need to read my lesson again.
Thanks again
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2012-06-20 09:58
to my ear
fresh and shrimps
drinks and summer
better reunion
- don't rhyme rula
- but even if they did - they are not placed as cross rhyme
i quote wes
'“Cross rhyme” is when the rhyming sound at the end of one line is matched inside another or (in our puzzle please) the next. Therefore- the sound at the end of verse one is matched by a sound within the second, the sound at the end of the third will rhyme within the fourth.'
as in
the headrest on my BED
is RED as the planet
of the warrior MARS
as his STARS lead me in my dreams
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Wed, 2012-06-20 11:12
i see
I thought we are talking about last sound in one word to match that same sound in the next word
Let's go to the dark room again :-)
Thank you
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Sat, 2012-06-23 13:14
great edit
with your second stanza
'Understand my heart, be considerate.
Come on now, don't hesitate.
Underhand moments let's forget.
Compensate what's lost, it's never late'
'Come on now / compensate' don't rhyme 'dactlyly'
suggestion
'Understand my heart, be considerate.
hesitate not, please come on now
Underhand moments let's forget.
Compensate what's lost, it's never late'
and the third
'It's you who'll bring my heart the joys,
rejoice the broken hearts' reunion,
when you give my heart its justice,
just 'way from pride and prejudice. '
- fits the exercise, except there's no repeat of the second line end in the third line
again i suggest
'It's you who'll bring my heart the joys,
rejoice the broken hearts' reunion,
and soon you'll give my heart its justice,
just 'way from pride and prejudice. '
(can i also suggest 'away' instead of 'just 'way') ??
and sorry - i don't see any random rhyme in the last verse - only end rhyme -
i may be wrong of course :)
apart from the workshop crit - i absolutely love this write rula
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sat, 2012-06-23 16:27
juddy ,don't say
There're no random rhymes :( in the 4th stanza .
I changed in stanza 2 though not fully convinced
Third stanza ..edited 3rd line .what do you think of " reunion" and "you"?
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Sat, 2012-06-23 22:33
'reunion / you -- maybe, but
'reunion / you -- maybe, but very weak....
HES - i - TATE / don't - COM = pen - SATE - see the different syllable count ? but wait for wes - i may be wrong - it may be acceptable...
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sat, 2012-06-23 22:42
thank you dear juddy
What do you think about the 4th stanza
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Sat, 2012-06-23 22:47
oh yes
sorry rula - i didn't note the changes there - much better :)
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sun, 2012-06-24 01:09
in my case
Does the word "love" work to be the mind rhyme?
Do you suggest any other changes in the 4th stanza.I am pretty like to learn indeed.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2012-06-24 01:29
imo
4th stanza is great
i like the ' one once again' and 'lively life' as well as 'cheer clear clean'
- not sure about the 'say-pay' - not because of the rhyme - that is great - but due to the logic (to me it doesn't make sense) :) - i'd lose the 'say'
and sorry, rula, i don't understand your question re 'love' - you haven't done the fifth stanza (or couplet would work) attempting your mind rhyme yet....
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sun, 2012-06-24 03:30
i misunderstood
I thought it should be included in the fourth .I'll think of a couplet at least
Thank you
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentscribbler
Sun, 2012-06-24 08:22
Hi Rula
Either you or I need to go back and review the instructions lol. It is my understanding that 2nd stanza was to be abab pattern with rhymes at beginning of each line. Third stanza was to take last word in each line and match it with an interior rhyme in the next. Now the 4th stanza is up in the air as to whether you complied as there ARE rhymes scattered about as emphasizers but then each line ends with the same rhyme also. I guess since such was not forbidden that's OK. This last assignment has been quite a chore hasn't it ? lol..............stan
judyanne
Sun, 2012-06-24 08:29
stan
the exercise for the second stanza - i quote wes
'The second quatrain will use an alternating scheme (a, b, a, b) and employ TRIPLE RHYMES. A triple (or DACTYLIC) rhyme has three syllables with the accent on the first. The placement of these rhymes will be “initial” (PLACED AT THE BEGINNING OF THE VERSE rather than the end).'
- note - when wes uses 'verse' here, he means 'line'
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sun, 2012-06-24 09:09
Take it easy guys and gls :)
It is after all for fun . We are learning new things indeed but it is after all for the sake of enjoyment and entertainment. it is not a life, death matter so I think we need to wait for the boss here . Then we can amend what we've got wrong . We sure have different understanding for few things but things will be clarified as soon as Wesley is here.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
author commentjudyanne
Sun, 2012-06-24 09:12
not a problem at all rula
i'm just trying to clarify it for stan
:)
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-06-25 12:19
Hi Rula
I think Judy is correct as I was commenting from memory. And no need worry about Judy and I taking it easy on one another as we are friends who just don't hesitate to correct one another, not enemies sniping at each other lol. I apologize if you took our dialogue as being of a combative nature...........stan