Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Garden of Fates

Over pillow talk
as the ugly dawn
encroaches on our union

I trace the wisps
of Aphrodite
that lace your throat

watching you talking
about your dream of living
behind those black olive eyes

this is our shared fate
to come together
for a brief moment and part
as all must part who know tears

bewitched by your poetry
that we
play the game of love

you take my sex
to part your thighs
as to open the gates of the universe

and hear the first
human song composed
by a laughing witch
for the delight of her lover
in the heart of the garden that was once
envisioned as the palace
of God's first & most beautiful angel

the one they called
the Morning Star

hair as black as yours
a lure like your sex
belonging only to you & I

if only love would last
if only we were designed
to hold onto Eden

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

feeling like this is a one night stand? I think that you have broached a subject that many fail to address; the naivety of believing that we should be in love with every "lover". This brings it to the fore. My favorite lines: "Over pillow-talk as the ugly dawn encroaches on our union". And: "Watching you talking about nothing at all, behind those black olive eyes." Showing that you do not connect with her at all. Nice stuff, even thought the subject is sad. ~ Geezer.
.

Honest critique and comments shouldn't hurt.
It's why we are here, to get better at our craft.

I guess I'm just a third rate poet that's why no one sees fit to read what I write

author comment

I didn't really intend to describe a one night stand or anything that might open me up to accusations of my being a male chauvinist I guess its my punk upbringing you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Its still in the process of tweaking thanks for being the only one who bothered to read and comment

author comment

Hi Dalton, I like your poem, the title is sad, but so true. Eden did not last long and maybe it will never happen again, the next step is Heaven if one is a believer. The topic of unreserved sex is not common. I'm not sure I understand the internal logic of your poem, a bit confusing. Where does the witch come in? Is she the woman who parts her thighs, or is she a voyeur?
Why a male chauvinist pig? It does seem to be that it's a once only sexual encounter.
I didn't know that the Morning Star is God's first Angel, but maybe it is for some religions. In Argentina, where I live in the region of Patagonia, the indigenous people believe in Father Sun, Mother Moon and the stars as their children. They figure on their flag and their concave drums.
I'll return for another read, maybe you can help me understand a little more, tho' poetry is always somewhat mysterious. Enjoyed.

*
*
*
Know then thyself, presume not God to scan,
The proper study of Mankind is Man.
Plac’d on this isthmus of a middle state,
A being darkly wise, and rudely great….

An Essay On Man, III, Alexander Pope.

will explain weird references later but its not about a one night stand only that for some romantic happiness is brief that we are not all designed to hold onto love. just as we were not designed to hold on to Paradise

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.