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The Garden of Fates
Over pillow talk
as the ugly dawn
encroaches on our union
I trace the wisps
of Aphrodite
that lace your throat
watching you talking
about your dream of living
behind those black olive eyes
this is our shared fate
to come together
for a brief moment and part
as all must part who know tears
bewitched by your poetry
that we
play the game of love
you take my sex
to part your thighs
as to open the gates of the universe
and hear the first
human song composed
by a laughing witch
for the delight of her lover
in the heart of the garden that was once
envisioned as the palace
of God's first & most beautiful angel
the one they called
the Morning Star
hair as black as yours
a lure like your sex
belonging only to you & I
if only love would last
if only we were designed
to hold onto Eden
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Geezer
Mon, 2020-05-04 11:35
Hmmmm...
feeling like this is a one night stand? I think that you have broached a subject that many fail to address; the naivety of believing that we should be in love with every "lover". This brings it to the fore. My favorite lines: "Over pillow-talk as the ugly dawn encroaches on our union". And: "Watching you talking about nothing at all, behind those black olive eyes." Showing that you do not connect with her at all. Nice stuff, even thought the subject is sad. ~ Geezer.
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Dalton
Fri, 2020-05-15 10:11
I guess I'm just a third rate
I guess I'm just a third rate poet that's why no one sees fit to read what I write
author commentDalton
Tue, 2020-05-05 12:28
hi Geezer
I didn't really intend to describe a one night stand or anything that might open me up to accusations of my being a male chauvinist I guess its my punk upbringing you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Its still in the process of tweaking thanks for being the only one who bothered to read and comment
author commentGracy
Sun, 2020-05-17 18:00
Hi Dalton, I like your poem,
Hi Dalton, I like your poem, the title is sad, but so true. Eden did not last long and maybe it will never happen again, the next step is Heaven if one is a believer. The topic of unreserved sex is not common. I'm not sure I understand the internal logic of your poem, a bit confusing. Where does the witch come in? Is she the woman who parts her thighs, or is she a voyeur?
Why a male chauvinist pig? It does seem to be that it's a once only sexual encounter.
I didn't know that the Morning Star is God's first Angel, but maybe it is for some religions. In Argentina, where I live in the region of Patagonia, the indigenous people believe in Father Sun, Mother Moon and the stars as their children. They figure on their flag and their concave drums.
I'll return for another read, maybe you can help me understand a little more, tho' poetry is always somewhat mysterious. Enjoyed.
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"My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies; fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends.” – Freddie Mercury
Dalton
Sun, 2020-05-17 18:09
hi Gracy
will explain weird references later but its not about a one night stand only that for some romantic happiness is brief that we are not all designed to hold onto love. just as we were not designed to hold on to Paradise
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