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The Falconer
Who were you to me
A lover plain to every
Waking eye
Placed in enmity with Death
For love is a secret best between
Two alone
Habibi and Habibti
Who was I
A restless soul
Doomed to love but for a season
Doomed to be loved
Only for a moment
You were the wisest
And closest of my many consorts
A statesman, a musician, a poet
Poetry was our chaperone
Words that linger with lovers
Long after the lusts of our bodies
Have burned and died
Burned and died
Burned and died
And my name will be bound
To yours within all eternity
Though little is known of our love
But a scattering of intimate pages
I was the proudest of women
With golden hair
My sunlike complexion
These things I valued as adornments
Of our love
My heart was the falconer
You were Ibn Zaydun
An eagle at full zenith
With each new love
Is the same degree of sorrow
As the very first
Born in Eden to echo through our days
Even hands of stone
Contain a dream
Of lost kisses
Your dart that pierced my breast
Drew blood
My master archer
You were struck more southerly
You turned from me to my lesser
Who did you love more
My beauty could not keep you
Mad for me as I am still for you
Why turn from one paradise
To another?
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Geezer
Tue, 2023-03-07 01:33
Your title...
is lost on me, but it serves the purpose.
Your language use is good, I like the rhythm and pace,
the theme is one of the oldest on earth, infidelity.
I love the line: "You were struck more southerly."
"Who did [up] you love more? I don't get it. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Dalton
Tue, 2023-03-07 14:29
Cheers Geezer
Thanks for pointing out the typo
author commentSeren
Tue, 2023-03-07 02:39
Dear John
I absolutely think this is an amazing poem, is this about the love affair between Ibn Zaydun and Wallada? When you've answered that I will comment further, the flow and pace is peaceful and zen like, nearly hypnotising.
The dart that pierced the breast? was that a kind of knife that severed their relationship? hmmm you've really got me thinking and wondering now, smiles. I believe his anti-Umayyad intentions were what broke up their love.
I am probably totally off base with my read, but I'll return once you've clarified that for me.
I think the title fits perfectly because if my read is right, I see where you're going with this one.
love Jayne xxx
“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats
Dalton
Tue, 2023-03-07 14:24
Dearest Jayne
Yes the lovers Wallada and Ibn Zaydun you no doubt know your history better than I do. I think as a princess Wallada was naturally inclined to look down on men. Ibn Zaydun being no doubt her equal she gathered to her the intelligentsia of her time in literary salons where she would have encountered him. Being one of a considerable number of female poets though her verses are quite difficult to uncover in English translation these days. You may be of interest to read my blog “Classical Poetry of Arabic Women” if you’ve not read I’ll send you the link. I think the matter of contention between them being ignited in part by the serpents of her court such as might be classed all politicians. But mainly because of his dalliances with paramours both male and female. What woman would stomach such infidelities. Ibn Zaydun did spend time incarcerated for some matters I’m hazy about no doubt because of those who conspired against him upon release he served elsewhere in the courts of Muslim Spain. The dart mentioned being the dart of love as in Cupid’s arrow in the poem she was afflicted in the heart he was struck in the centre of his lust his sex. Strange way of putting it but you catch my drift. The stone hands and the memory of kisses refers to the statue of the hands entwined first erected in the 70s I think to mark the 900th anniversary of their death. Any way you understand my poems I’m grateful for and for being a welcome reader many find my poems unpalatable I think. Cheers dear Jayne :-)
author commentDalton
Tue, 2023-07-25 13:45
Dearest Jayne
Love the new avatar of your lovely little dog xxx
author commentEmerald1
Wed, 2023-03-08 04:45
Habibi
Habibi
Such a beautiful poem that opened my eyes to an era and characters I knew nothing of , you are my inspiration to learn and expand my knowledge in so many areas , you take us through the love affair of the aristocratic Wallada and the political Zaydun during the era of the caliphats of Cordoba when Iberia was undergoing huge cultural changes , she was a wealthy poet and set up a salon where she taught poetry and entertained poets who enjoyed "a thing at the time" entering poetry contests where a poet had to complete a poem , it is thought that Zaydun had an interest in this form and that he attended her salon for the purpose of being engaged in these contests and thats how they met .She was outspoken and thought irreverent by the authorities , she dressed outside her culture and religion and was known to wear her verses scribed on he clothing , their affair had to be secret as his politics didnt match her families .She wrote poetry like" When Night Falls Anticipate me Visiting You" which deals beautifully with their secret affair. Most of her surviving poems 8 out of the 9 deal with lovers writing about nostalgia sorrow separation and deception.
Your poem takes us beautifully through their affair giving Wallada the voice as you do expertly writing from the womans perspective , she admits he was her favourite consort and laments the need for secrecy but her believe that their poetry will be an eternal link and that their hands will be linked forever is palpable ,despite that she had to end the affair because of his infidelity with possibly a coloured slave of Walladas or even with a male , cupid had touched them both with his arrow , Zaydun had betrayed her because Cupids arrow had pierced her heart with love but pierced his manhood with lust , she saying in a letter " You know I am the moon of the skies but to my disgrace you have preferred a darker planet ."
He ended up in prison for some possibly contrived political crime , orchestrated by the man she was to live with Abdus and care for until his death in his 80s .
As if to fulfil her believe that they would always be linked a hands joined memorial sculpture was erected in their memory in Spain to mark a significant anniversary
Your poem as always transports me to the place and time you write of , your words draw me in to her world as if I was inside her heart as she describes her passion and her eventually pain, your passion for your subject is contagious my habibi , you tease with enough detail to send the uninitiated like me off doing my research , you give us a world with your words a world that enthrals a narrative that reads so beautifully and the emotions of Wallada expressed for the heart of the poet who loves the power of love and believes in it , as much as you detest injustices , from the first time I read this I loved it and it will always be a favourite among all your much loved pieces .
You habibi are a class act in the world of writing , you know exactly how to combine your God given and genetic talent with the vast knowledge and understanding of the world and how emotional beings deal with its realities that you naturally feel and get from your voracious reading ,combining with the expression of a tender heart and sensitive soul giving us delights to read ,but oh so much more importantly to experience , to float away from our realities for an experience that never fails to touch my heart and soul and excite the senses
Thank you habibi for another delightful read Sorry I mean experience
Love M xxx