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Your voice, echo in my ear;
I've stop listening to your words;
no more caring, many years;
your concerns, I've fed the birds;

Cardinals ate insects, in the frontyard;
bluejays roam, the backyard;
butterflies flutter, back and forth,
with yellow bees on grassy knolls;

Nature catches my attention, aside from you;
many pivotal moments, passed by;
you're as driftwood, in my view,
the bond we shared, goodnight;

you talked, but never listened;
inconsiderate, self absorbed;
when I hear your voice, I go fishing;
I've had enough of your porridge.

Editing stage: 

Comments

A lot of anger, so well balanced with the images in your yards. I think it is a fine offering, very personal, some very good lines...love the last 2, although I would think that you are not so much "fasting" but not eating meat, as you will hopefully get some fish. Perhaps,"I've had enough bull,
I'm off the beef " or something like that.
Good phrases like "yellow bees on grassy knolls" etc.
A few comments if I may...punctuation- a few too commas, and I don't think a poem should end on a semi colon. Also I would avoid colloquial lines like "When you talked, you never listened;
nor were you considerate"...these are more prose statements, like in a letter. They an be effective is they have a sudden shift like "no more caring, many years; your concerns, I've fed the birds;
very strong line.
Thanks for writing, I hope I have been helpful.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Much to think about from you

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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author comment

Glad you like it

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

you keep me going when I think things are too tough for me or that I do no good.

I'm also grateful to Eumolpus, he gives superb crit, said everything that needed to be said.

I would only add two things you might not have noticed yourself. Sufferance is one thing but the original feminist movement was called Women's Suffrage, that was about empowerment, women getting the vote and property rights.

The other, and this is really funny, the last word. Did you know that in English slang 'porridge' refers to jail?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Yes I knew that about Suffrage. I researched and found the word sufferance was a better fit for what I wanted to convey
Didn't know tha about porridge

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment

Maybe unconsciously you made the connection but it gave the most perfect ending to your poem.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I'm very honored my comments were helpful, and I really like the changes.
a nice work!
One last thing- the title...kinda gives too much away, lacks a poetic sense. Just my feel.
So happy to be of help!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I'll look at revising the title

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

author comment
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