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The Fire

Submitted by whitescatter on Thu, 2010-11-25 06:15

trapped here in the middle creation
that separates heaven and the underworld,
I was struck by blazing arrows coming down
a sign of self-destruction made by the anger of The Almighty..

the days from my flesh banished innocent hearts to arrogance,
all the time as when God saved the Devil;
crawling for forgiveness for something not to be forgiven,
before stepping out from something real but forbidden..

as I looked back at my old place - where I was built with hatred,
found nothing existent to make me a saint nor an angel.
The Guardian of The Gate must have been grateful on me,
I stepped over and set myself into The Fire.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft

Comments

Kailashana2

Tue, 2010-11-30 06:45

I have used similar themes for my poems, and offer these suggestions:

trapped here in the middle earth
that separates heaven from the underworld,
I was struck by blazing arrows all around
(a sign of self-destruction made by the anger of The Almighty..)

in the days of my flesh, I banished innocence to arrogance,
when God saved the Devil all this was known
crawling for forgiveness for something not to be forgiven,
before stepping out from something real but forbidden..

I turned around, saw what I had built with my own self-hatred
found nothing exists to make of me neither saint nor an angel.
and now I, The Guardian of The Gate stepped aside,
when I stepped into The Fire.

Take any or all thoughts.

~A

whitescatter

Wed, 2010-12-01 06:22

it retorts the picture to another if it should be written like that.

tnx for the suggestion..

author comment

Kailashana2

Wed, 2010-12-01 06:49

I don't know if *retorts* is the word you are looking for. I just posted my *version* of your poem. You might want to reread yours.

Food for thought, that's all. It is good to create poems like this, no?

~A

whitescatter

Thu, 2010-12-02 00:48

i'll scan my work and see what i can fix..:)

by the way thnx for the approach..

God bless.

author comment
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