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The Egotistical Europeon...

The high-class Londoner, who lived in bliss
Sure that the world revolved around the "Empire"
Where the sun never sets and everyone else in the world
Is a peon of no-class, low-class from the wrong side of royalty
Vowed to make a world tour of all the places "acquired"
From "the natives" of poverty and stagnation.
Once boarded upon the ship of fools, he proceeded to elucidate
With a corny accent upon the overweight and wildly popular Americans
Who provided them all with such colorful stories of "made wealth"
Rather than the burden of having to keep up pretenses of owed respect
From heredity and plunder. With his "Twiggy-like" figure and pinky raised tea-cup
He looked starved and curiously comical with one eyed glass[es]
But the Americans were not going to pick a fight with someone
Who carried an umbrella like Mary Poppins and bore the name of a dowager
"Hey, how about we stake ya to a "real" meal and it's on us?"
We don't mind sharing a big T-bone with ya, fill ya out some, I reckon"
An aside; "Abigail, we got dogs bigger than him"
"Oi, wouldn't want to put you out, and Oim quite well to take care of moi own bill"
No need to feel embarrassed, lady, or sir, which ever ya happen to be.
I know Brits are quite taken with all that whatever yer want to be gender stuff.
[Personally, I don't want a man in the same restroom as my wife or daughter.]
So, tell me about yer Uncle Edward, who mowed down a thousand natives
Before they chopped off his head and left it hanging on a spear.
Into what valley did they ride? I'm still amazed that a country
That's a couple thousand years old, hasn't managed to take over the whole world!
Why, look at what us Americans have done in only three hundred years!
Not to mention that we shucked off yer rule and came back to save yer asses
A hundred and fifty years later. But let's let bygones be bygones and have a drink
Of good ole Tennessee Bourbon and ice, instead of that crappy warm beer.
Now, where were we? Oh yeah, Uncle Eddy, he was some sort o' big shot in the Royal Navy?
Or was it the Light Brigade? Another aside; "I bet that's why he's so skinny,
Wants to get in that Light Brigade," [snicker].
"Hey, did ya ever go to the States? See what a big place it is? Why, our state of Texas
Is bigger than That United Kingdom and Ireland put together!
"Course ya still got those pieces of places like Aussieland and Canada
Where they bow to that Queen of urine. Well, I guess that will be over soon, when that there queenie
Gives up the throne and Prince whatz his name takes over. Whatta wimp!
She's badder than he is! Gotta admire that she's hung on so long.
I suppose that yer one of those old masters admirers, like all those fat old ladies that screech and howl
About wars they fought back in the days before England was a thought. Myself, I like to watch a good ole
massacree like the Alamo and Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie. Hey, want to see a real knife? I'd show ya my pistols
But they won't let me bring 'em out here after I showed up them guys shooting clay birds
Off the back of the boat! Hey, come by our cabin tonight and we'll play a little poker
Or are ya one of those cabbage-playing' dudes?
I'll show ya pictures of my Tommy posing with his flame-thrower just before some little bitch
About twelve years old blew them both up while he was giving her a candy bar.
Ya, ya'll find us a friendly bunch when ya get to know us.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Of course, this is just sarcasm.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I don't mind telling ya, Oi jist larfed me arse off reading this tale, one that could've been written by Mark Twain at one of his better moments. Great write, no crits, still chuckling at your witticism.
Jerry

kind sir; I will take your word for the most gratifying honor of being mentioned in the same breath as one of my heroes! I am most pleased and assure you that I will be sure to mention your name at my next "swarrae", that's Frenchje for pahty. {Betcha ya didn't know I spoke Frenchie , huh?] Iffen ya all are ever 'round Dallas, stop by sometime and we'll go wrestle a couple of steers for dinner! Thank ya kindly sir, ~ Geezer.
.

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author comment

Geezer. I see a lot of familiar things within.
I don't see anything to criticise at all.
I wonder if you have been over here to Old Blighty at all. You would be welcome.
We aren't supposed to be part of Europe now as you will know (we were chopping the heads off our monarchs long before France thought of it)
I didn't see the need for the disclaimer in your last few words though. Everyone should take this fine write for the fun piece that it is ~ Well done.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

never been, always wanted to git over 'cross the pond and see where that Robin Hood lived in that Sherwood Forest though!
Jist makin' shore that everybody knew that it was in fun; ya know, some people git real touchy about thar homelands and their beliefs. Thanks for the compliments and comment. ~ Geezer.
.

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author comment

John White in disguise? lol

John White would that be? A reincarnation of the Governor of Roanoke or a more recent one? ~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
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author comment

...not too well observed in many ways. The fact that you have never actually visited either Britain or Ireland means that a lot of your salvoes were a bit hit and miss, and I sense an undercurrent of envy, which I can understand.

I always find the American habit of calling public lavatories "restrooms" very funny, especially since the last thing you go there for is a rest. Although I suppose, after a particularly huge crap (following a gargantuan meal big enough to feed a starving family of 12 in many parts of the world) you might well need a rest before rejoining the folks for a second helping.

In terms of helpful suggestions, I would recommend getting rid of many of your inverted commas as these add nothing - for example, why inverted commas around "Empire" - the British Empire was a matter of historical fact. Also, your use of so many exclamation marks is incorrect. The point of an exclamation mark is that it indicates an exclamation (the hint is in the wording). An example of correct usage: "Jeezus H. Christ! I can't get my stomach through the turnstile."

A bit of historical accuracy would not come amiss: I quote: "we shucked off yer rule and came back to save yer asses A hundred and fifty years later". On the assumption that the "shucking" to which you refer is 1776, then 150 years later would be 1926. I can't recall any saving of "asses" in the 1920s, indeed that was the period when the USA shirked its moral duty by not joining the League of Nations. If you are referring to 1917/18, may I remind you that the US contribution to WW1 was minimal and without any significant military or naval value, and probably caused the Spanish Flu epidemic of 1919/20 which killed more people than WW1 did. If you are referring to 1941, when the USA was finally forced into WW2 after having made a fortune selling arms to the combatants, then may I remind you that the war in Europe was won by the Soviets. The USA only won the war in the Pacific by committing the greatest war crime of all time: the A-bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I can only assume that US schools use specially edited and censored history books, full of nationalistic propaganda.

Finally, what does "cabbage-playing" mean?

In spite of all these minor negatives, your rant is quite amusing - but a little more subtlety and exactitude would not come amiss.
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Factually was NOT the intent! And subtlety is definitely not an American attribute. Yes, we did it! Yes we are beasts! Not any more than The Brits, who have in an inexact number of a thousand years or more learned how to be more civilized than any of the rest of the world! You just have lost the taste for getting your asses handed to you. Seems to me, that you are a little bit touchy about having the Russians come to your aid. Envy? And nope, we tell it like it was! We did what we thought we had to do. Jesus H. Fucking Christ! If I had made it all facts and figures and been historically accurate, would it have been any funnier? The quotation marks were meant to bring attention to the words in question. Maybe since Empire was a fact, they could be discounted, but "the natives", who were in fact the rightful owners of the land and the quotations of acquired [being a nice way of saying stolen] I really wanted to bring attention to as you so often remind us of the way that the land here was "acquired". The rest of them, I suppose you are rrrr rrr right. See?, I can say it. Finally, cabbage playing, refers to Cribbage.
~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
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author comment

...you succeeded as your "poem" has more holes in it than a piece of Emmental..

If, on the other hand, humour was the intent, you failed. I am perfectly willing to admit to the selfish and often brutal nature of British Empire-building - but at least we didn't virtually wipe out an entire race.

You would certainly know all about "natives".
(1) The American settlers enslaved millions of them
(2) The American nation post 1776 killed off millions too.

I honestly suggest you invest in a history book. "Britain" as a nation has not existed for thousands or even a single thousand years. The island of Britain consisted of several kingdoms and only became a nation in 1707.

And no, I am not in the slightest touchy about the Soviets in WW2. Especially since they most definitely did not "come to our aid". The Soviet objectives were to defeat the invading Germans and to take over as much of Eastern Europe as they could get their hands on. The naivety of the crippled Roosevelt assisted Stalin greatly in this.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

left far fewer than the million which the BRISH as well as others then went to war with

For Saint Padraig's day on the 17th. everyone.

Builder Paddy was operating his mechanical digger in London when an American tourist passed by with his wife.
The American, Buddy, pointed to the digger bucket and said to his wife "Why we got teaspoons bigger 'an that back home in The States honey".
"I'm surely not surprised sir", replied Paddy sincerely, "will you take a look at the size of your mouth".

Of course, this is just sarcasm too.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

even this Yank wants to be Irish . . . black Irish. I'll get my shoeshine kit and blacken my face-- Naw--I'll just have my green beer and sing, "When Irish Eyes are Smiling,"
Jerry

If we took offense at everything that was said about Americans, we would surely be fighting the whole world... Hmmmmm…
~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
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author comment

...but with Trump on the rampage, encouraging racism and xenophobia, that's exactly what might happen.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

If it weren't for him being a Republican, I would be too. And don't blame me, I voted against him!
I didn't like him then and I detest him now!

~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
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author comment

...on at least one thing.
.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

we are still friends? ~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
Bring your dark and delicious work
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author comment

..whatsover to become an enemy. We can agree to differ politically, morally and intellectually whilst still being civil and amicable. At least we are in accord over your repulsive president and (I would hope) Britain's appalling PM, the disgusting liar Johnson.

xxx
Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

being called facetious, Amen!
~ Geezer.
.

Come to Chat on the Darkside
every other Saturday night 8pm to ?
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author comment
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