Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.


So many kingdoms I have laid to waste,
so many freemen I've enslaved.
My imperial army moved with great haste
to conquer all the lands I craved

Spitting on the heads of fallen rulers
I laughed as I took their women
while I let their pathetic men witness
what I did to their children

I celebrated countless triumphs
as the reign of my empire grew
but greed opened doors to treachery
and my actual friends are few

The war campaigns spread sorrow,
planted revenge in the hearts of men
while traitors lurked within the shadows
waiting for my reign to end

As more and more enemies fall,
my rule over them began to slip,
yet my foolish pride refused
to release my weakening grip

I thought I was invincible,
a man born to rule over them all.
While other lord's reign crumbled,
mine would never fall

Until a poisoned wine left me,
struggling for my life in agony.
I summoned my son to come to me
to command him to end this enmity

Alas, how my heart broke
when he refused to heed my words,
He laughed and shook his head
while I glared at him and cursed

I looked into his eyes and I knew
It's his scheming that has left me weak
I saw the same lust for power
that will paint the future in bleak

I closed my eyes, cried bitter tears,
seeing the truth of what I've done.
In my bid to be the greatest conqueror
I have corrupted my own son..

In the silence of the night,
I laid on my bed, dying,
no longer wanting to fight
to witness the fruits of my sins

With my only son turning against me
my downfall is complete.....

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 


did the rhyme go. this is well thought out
the only suggestion I might make if I may

I thought I am invincible you lost you tense there
should it not be I thought I was
as more lands fall again the tense is mixed as more lands fell

are you narrating the past or present

refused or refuses?

I like the entire premise of the poem as you nattative carried through

Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

thanks for pointing out to me the flaws.are there anymore?


author comment

A good write on many an empire built and then destroyed.
Never can figure out which is best, to have an empire or to just let all the countries carry on buying weapons for their so called freedom.
If you take this piece and what I thought it to be a story of yet another Roman Emperors death by their own family.
All in all if you look at many places in the world the old empires didn't do too bad at gradually bringing the many countries up to a certain level of civilisation, if only the corruption was controlled then the world order would have been good.
Another story as our empire here fades into oblivion.
I am not sad at the loss of a world control it was too big and became self destructive, though leaving a massive vacuum, which is now filled with bands of armed bands roving leaderless into the future.
I wonder which is the best, another Empire or chaos..
I will have to grow some Hemlock for the future LOL
Take care yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

on the ruler and the reason for building the empire. if the reason is to save the weak from tyranny in their own lands, then it is a noble cause..if its done to feed a single man's lust for power, then its rotten to the core..anyway i'm glad you have enjoyed it in spite of the present flaws in this piece,Ian....


author comment

This poem is good but has a lot of potential to make it very good. The story narrated is wonderful. You just need to work on the "tenses" and make it crisper.

raj (sublime_ocean)

i'm not finished with the welcomed to offer your ideas...


author comment

what the fuck are you talking about?
It sounds like just an attempt at pretentious poetry

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

since when neopoet becomes a place for you to hurt the poet's feelings? this piece is telling a story about an emperor's downfall.that's all there is to it. if you can't appreciate it, all i can say is thank you for your comments and goodbye! you call yourself a mentor and this is the way you reach out to nurture a student's potential?


author comment

to me, i don't know but my patience has its limits too. i suggest you leave me alone, jess. i think i dont need any lesson from someone who can't control his own temper.


author comment

this critique may be valid. /then again I maybe being mean. I will have to think about it.

A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'

The next thing to do with this poem is to read it aloud with as near a neutral voice as possible. This will reveal any remaining rhythm slips. The consider whether any of the rhymed seem forced or contrived.............stan

(c) No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.