Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Do You See Me Now (Rewrite)

I didn't have to let you know who I truly am
I can pretend I don't care if you laugh at me
I hate being alone is something I don't admit
Pretending to keep my face like stone so you cant see

My pretty little invisible mask keeps you in the dark
From the world keeping all my secrets I can hide
But seems it is always the same, these feelings felt
I search day and night to be truly happy inside

I have always wanted to say just one thing to you
Today my declaration to you I make clear
Do you see me now, I am here, I am here, Right here

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I took the advice and rewrote this poem and gave a little more structure to it. It does not have the same look, but I do think it is a much better sounding poem
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like this poem.
The title is good and so is your language use, although its a little wordy, and this effects the rythym of the poem, somewhat. The theme is good, and you stay focused on the theme throughout.

I think the last verse is problematic, as it doesn't comform to the structure of the first two verses, although I do like the difference in cadence and syllables, which I think adds impact to the end. I would like to see the last verse re-written with this in mind. Something like:

There's one thing I've always wanted to say to you,
so today I make my declaration clear:
Do you see me now?
I am here, I am here. Right here.

Although your version will be different.

Good stuff, keep writing.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thank you so much. I will think on it a moment and see what I can come up with. I like what you wrote about the end. Your ending was real nice.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.