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The demon Lonliness

What ails you demon loneliness
why creep into my mind
Perpetual darkened shadows
that flicker all the time
The shroud of autumn hanging
from your shoulders like a cloak
And weapons made of emptiness
for the many hearts you broke
Why linger on vile creature
you plague my cobwebbed thoughts
Upon eternal searching
for the chaos that you brought
Your essence lies around me
and like waves upon the sand
Destroys my dreams of happiness
for so long that I have planned
Your shadow falls across my eyes
and blinds me with its tears
Releasing all the wastefulness
I’ve used throughout the years
Your grin it is of someone
unreal and yet unseen
To mask the new tomorrow
and how it could have been
Be gone then whispering demon
and let me feel the sun
For many years you’ve fought me
but the battles not yet won
I’ll fight you on your field of night
and memories blood will flow
And maybe then at sunrise
my lonely thoughts will go
Yet dwell you do inside me
look deep into my eyes
The love that grows within me
how it fights and how it dies
Release me from your chains of hell
forever is to long
For summer’s tranquil haven
starts to fade and soon is gone
Oh listen to me tempter
don’t blind me with your lies
I need to touch a trembling hand
before tomorrow cries
Go now let me linger
if only for a day
Release me from your bondage
you were never meant to stay
Cry, cry, cry the night
yet no one left to see
The horror that’s within me
and just won’t set me free
But for a while I’m smiling
and you will understand
So while this demons sleeping
please come and hold my hand

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
This is for dad i couldnt greive all those years now I understand because i have become him.
Editing stage: 

Comments

You have personified loneliness very well. I like the idea of it being a demoness that preys upon the soul and plagues the heart. You have a gift when it comes to rhyme and rhythm, your flow is perfect and doesn't miss a beat! I felt every line. My favorites being:

Yet dwell you do inside me
look deep into my eyes
The love that grows within me
how it fights and how it dies
Release me from your chains of hell
forever is to long
For summer’s tranquil haven
starts to fade and soon is gone

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I can relate...

always, Cat (& eddy)

p.s.

I see you've been visited by Lonnie! He is a good friend and an able poet. I recommend his work!

When you fling poo, some of the stink sticks to you!

"The Book of Styx" can be ordered and purchased on line at:
http://eddystyx.mythramuse.com/

the flow like a river of no return
sorry I had to abandon
as it became epicurial
and that's not my cup of tea ..
so new poet do excuse me...
but if you care to
do read me

friends across the net called poets
do remember in order to gain rapt
attention compose shorter poems
gist, fist and wrist
all intended in one
else guys and Romeos most like us
will surely create a fuss and in the
melee you may call raucous
none will read either of us
you longer fellow and me
short lived
Loved

loved

(and) like waves upon the sand unnecessary and impeds the rhythm

for so long that I have planned you have made the sentence structure awkward in order to find a rhyme this is called a 'forced rhyme' sometimes unavoidable but it would help if you could fix it.

and memories blood will flow memory's ?

Your grin it is of someone 'it is' is a filler to keep the rhythm going
unreal and yet unseen so is 'yet', also archaic

Cry, cry, cry the night this is a good line, poignant and spontaneous, this is why verse is magic

please come and hold my hand corny ending, too prosaic, an anticlimax, but still the ending of a poem is the hardest part.

as i wrote about your shipwreck poem a longer line/metre scheme would give you more melodic scope. Also try to use more 2 and 3 syllabul rhymes, and half rhymes,
here are opening lines from a Bob dylan song
'ain't it just like the night to play tricks when your trying to be so quiet
we're standing here naked though we're all doing our best to deny it'
this is an example of a metre that closely approximates conversational speech, in other words how much can be said in one breath, my point is that short metre though fine, is limiting, and you can get stuck in it.
all the best
ross

OOO modern computers, I swept dust from my computer and my comment has GONE.
I had said that I hoped you were not entirely steered by the lonely and the sad, nightmares and daemons. And that this could possibly be a slightly different shape and become easier to read, perhaps each line making half a line, wit some breaks, but then, we cannot see it al in one here anyway. You tell a tale well, and you are not lonely as you have us mike.

Love Ann.

Forever toO !

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

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