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creation (mindful, memorable freeform workshop #2)

Submitted by judyanne on Tue, 2012-09-04 01:58

we coax
embrace
pure perpetual essence
at the centre of imagination

devolve our eternal given spirit
through eons
from unconditioned, free
invisible
to dazed confinement
consigned in stardust

first consciousness
resides
wrapped
quietly hidden
the fingerprint of sentience behind
what is
has been
will be without end

while
into void
from potential
we
somehow
bring life to myth
.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

BlueDemon77

Tue, 2012-09-04 03:26

BlueDemon77's picture

Most impressive. You clearly knew and executed your idea flawlessly. Interesting side note, we supposedly rise from the ether innocent, yet the goal is to fulfill a mythic trajedy. Very interesting and very true. Mankind is marked.

Blue Demon77

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

judyanne

Tue, 2012-09-04 06:43

judyanne's picture
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thanks so very much for the supportive review and comments
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-09-05 10:29

weirdelf's picture
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I honestly can't fault it for it's design and execution.

I just have to get into personal beliefs where it jars badly with me.
The first verse is superb.
'devolve' begins the devolution of ideas for me. We have come a long way to recognising our origins in stardust from thinking thunder was the gods fighting.
"the fingerprint of sentience behind" smacks of intelligent design and you know you are going to get a BIG fight from me on that one.
"will be without end". The end has been predicted in about 55 billion years by current cosmology.

Overall, I feel a sense of "original sin" or "golden age" in the philosophy behind this work and it shits me to tears.

Bloody well done!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Wed, 2012-09-05 12:53

judyanne's picture
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yes
I knew this would make you itch - lol

‘devolve’ – I was more referring to vibrating into matter from not matter – from unconditioned, free / invisible / to dazed confinement / consigned in stardust

I wasn’t aware it might be read as a devolving cognition and understanding

and lol again – that intelligent design … well not so much as a personal intelligence, but yes –we’d have interesting discussions over that one for sure

‘without end’ – well we only have a theory that the universe will end – apart from which, we don’t know what is beyond the universe we know

and as for an 'original sin' or 'golden age' idea in my philosophy
no - i never meant that... eternal life, yes

thanks jess
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-09-05 13:06

weirdelf's picture
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oh boy! Some ideologies and beliefs just make me want to rip people's heads off to improve their thinking. We probably don't disagree in a lot of ways in our thinking but the fact that you made me "itch" really commends the poem to me. It didn't try and shove anything down my throat but really did make me think and question.

I would love to have a quiet beer or coffee and long discussion with you! Let me know when you plan to visit Sydney, I can't see myself making it to Perth anytime soon.
love

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

judyanne

Wed, 2012-09-05 13:16

judyanne's picture
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next time i go across to visit my son
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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