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Crash

It’s the middle of summer;
Driving fast,Windows wide .
The wind offers waves of relief
As it smacks your burnt skin.

Your favourite song is playing
As loud as it can go.
You can just FEEL the baseline
And your heart thumps in time.

You belt out the lyrics;
But your belt is ignored.
You like the feel of freedom,
The breeze in your hair.

Sand in your shoes
And cider tainted breath.
No more than two;
You promised mum you'll stay safe .

And suddenly - you’re flying.
The music is replaced with ringing ,
But the base still thumps loud in your ears.
A metallic taste in your mouth.

Is the world supposed to be blurry?
You see faint figures .
Heavy footsteps thump thump thumping .
The scalding tarmac eats your arms.

You could hear a heart monitor for a while.
Perhaps that reminded you of a song.
Sporadic beats and sporadic behaviour ,
Grasping your youth and now your life .

Now you keep your seatbelt tight ,
Eyes on the road ahead.
I guess you didn’t like your taste of freedom;
When the beats stopped dead.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Inspired by a don't drink and drive ad x
Editing stage: 

Comments

We seem to write along the same lines sometimes I guess I will have to stop wearing Jeans La La.
Just a tidy up needed :-
No more then two: (the then should be THAN)unless you meant two more still wrong lol..
The write is good as I said just a little edit.
Lovely to see you here, Yours Bampy xxxx

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

No need to stop wearing jeans, jeans are great ;)
I've changed as suggested x
Love you :)

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

You are completely misusing colons.
No more then two [than]
You could hear a heart moniter for a while.[monitor]

Tell me, please, what great poetry have you ever read and what are you reading now?

You see it is almost impossible to 'fix' a poem by adding prosodic qualities, you need to know them, 'hear' them in your inmost ear and they will appear in your work.

Again I say you have great talent, skill and potential as a wordsmith. You just need to learn to write poetry.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

You do write poetry and it is very good.

I merely wanted to push the point that you need to read some classic structured poetry, it has a way of reshaping our neurons in wondrous ways.

Also you need to take the plunge and offer critique to others. Yes, it's hard and scary but you will learn much in the process. Just say what you like about a poem. Mention anything that doesn't work for you and if possible offer suggestions. You don't need to be an expert.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

I asked for "the raw truth" and I'm glad for the constructive criticism. It's not that I'm scared of critiquing (too much :) ) but with my current work load as a student it's hard for me to find time. I will try and make some attempts when I find time!

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

I've never been the best with punctuation but have replaced all the colons :) I typed this one up on my phone which made it a bit harder for me to check for mistakes!

It depends on why you mean by "great", I've read some Keats and Shakespeare but I mainly read more modern-ish poets like Larkin and especially Carol Anne Duffy who is my current favourite :) I'm reading many different poems because I have to study them for my literature A-Level. I've been watching a lot of Slam Poetry recently if that counts? :)

Thank you for taking the time to read it and I'm sorry for the late reply- I had read it early but I didn't want to type a long reply on my phone!

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

o young poet you are a musical sound

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