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Heat rising in her cheeks
beneath dewy tears.
The shattered innocence of
a murdered dove.
A child playing the role of an adult.
The young feast upon the mother.
Too soon to start.
Too late to stop.
The cloth is cleansed
yet the stain remains.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 


You have some good, if disjointed to me, imagery.

And while not every poem has to tell a complete story, it should give us a complete thought and I feel this ends without a direction, meaning I do not know what you mean by it and I am not left wondering, I am left disappointed.

But, as I said, you have some excellent imagery in nearly every line. The exception is:

"like the wing of a dove"

This line I find disjointed and jarring. I am not sure a simile is best there because it weakens your presentation. I would prefer it to be stronger, something like:

"A cataclysm of broken hope."

The last two lines are good and are a natural ending but we need to know why the cloth is cleaned and why the stain remains. Since only you know what your intent is, I will not offer a suggestion, but as few as two more lines, giving us an insight into the conflict, would make this a better read.


Jonathan Moore

That was very helpful criticism. I see what you mean, about the dove line. I agree that a simile isn't the best fit, however I would like to keep the imagery of a broken wing. Maybe a metaphor or a new preceding line would help?

author comment

My role, as a reviewer and member offering critique, is to point out areas that succeed and areas I feel could be improved.

Your role, as the poet, is to take the commentary and filter it through your intent and derive modifications that strengthen your work.


Jonathan Moore

There. I worked with the wording a bit and added two lines. What do you think?

author comment

I also like that you've added intent without overstating the issue.

We are still left to wonder and speculate but along lines defined by your work rather than just our views.

Well done.


Jonathan Moore

There are some subjects in which what one can imagine is often even worse than what we might tell. This is such. I think your hints about the event are plenty enough and keeps this from being blatant. Hmmm..... do you think dried tears might work better than dewey ones?............stan

Loved this piece in its simplicity, the one main thing that spoilt it for me was the "Wolf" bit which is a blatant cliché, if you could replace this line with one from your own thoughts it would improve your write.
Take care, and lovely to see you back again, Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Looking back, I see you're absolutely right. I've changed it and I feel the new line does a mug better job of carrying the theme, so to speak.

author comment

Now this piece has become a very good write and your own words shine as a beacon to other.
Love your poem ref of the cat I have found the original that is written in Gaelic (Irish) in the 9th century:-

Messe [ocus] Pangur bán,
cechtar nathar fria saindán;
bíth a menma-sam fri seilgg,
mu menma céin im saincheirdd

Caraim-se fós, ferr cach clú,
oc mu lebrán léir ingnu;
ní foirmtech frimm Pangur bán,
caraid cesin a maccdán.

Ó ru-biam ­ scél cén scis ­
innar tegdias ar n-oéndis,
táithiunn ­ dichríchide clius ­
ní fris 'tarddam ar n-áthius.

Gnáth-huaraib ar greassaib gal
glenaid luch ina lín-sam;
os me, du-fuit im lín chéin
dliged ndoraid cu n-dronchéill.

Fúachaid-sem fri freaga fál
a rosc a nglése comlán;
fúachimm chéin fri fégi fis
mu rosc réil, cesu imdis.

Fáelid-sem cu n-déne dul,
hi nglen luch ina gérchrub;
hi-tucu cheist n-doraid n-dil,
os mé chene am fáelid.

Cia beimini amin nach ré
ní derban cách a chéle;
mait le cechtar nár a dán
subaigthiud a óenurán.

Hé fesin as choimsid dáu
in muid du-n-gní cach óenláu;
do thabairt doraid du glé
for mumud céin am messe.
This may be something you would love to keep,
Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I & Pangur Ban my cat
'Tis a like task we are at:
Hunting mice is his delight,
Hunting words I sit all night.

'Tis a merry thing to see
At our tasks how glad are we,
When at home we sit & find
Entertainment to our mind.

'Gainst the wall he sets his eye,
Full & fierce & sharp & sly;
'Gainst the wall of knowledge I
All my little wisdom try.

So in peace our task we ply
Pangur Ban my cat & I;
In our arts we find our bliss,
I have mine & he has his.

Yours Ian.T

There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thank you very much for your critique, and yes, that is the same Pangur Ban. I've read that before, but forgot where. Thank you so much for finding it for me :)

author comment

I like your language use, but be careful you don't become too obtuse for us to come along. Poetry is nothing without clarity. I was not confused by this, but you teeter on the edge of the cliff Confusion. On second thought... that's a rather excellent place for a poet to be. On the edge between clarity and confusion.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program

wes is is an edge....
if poetry was athletic
snow boarder and trick skater
I love writing that dazzles
and is dark
I love gamer games..
and when the characters
are in the rain

the unknowns

I realize now this
was my childhood
busy as it was
this form...
this taut ease

I never commented
on this
it was all around us
then...early seventy
I think society has
evolved..but not
an oxymoron

writing is intoxicating!

thank U!

much more concise in reading
Love the short of this
Thank u!

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