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Erosion

Strong stone stands sentinel over streams
Singing with silver whispers.
Sliding over slick shelves of shale,
Slipping between sheets of slate,
Slicing through sandstone,
Serene streams shuttle
Sediment to the sea.
Stone stumbles and shatters,
Sluicing downstream.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

but there is the problem of which element is the cause of the erosion?
Is it the stone or the water. I do believe that it is the water, but you don't make that clear. I think that you might work on that first line and make it the stream that does the work. The way it reads is that the strong stone that slips and slides and creates the erosion. How about saying that "Streams have strong sentinels standing over them"? ~ Geezer.
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I agree with Gee in that it Could be misconstrued which is doing the erosion. But what an unusual form you have displayed......stan

You know who inspires me to write its you my fam on Neopoet
An excellent collaboration of voices that work with each other.
The influences of our peers can take us far in this life.
Hearts are tender and warm when they are surrounded by great people that love each other.

Together we are going to make a difference we will break down the walls of hate towards loves resolve.
Never before in the history of poetry have we embraced such wise logic in thinking.
Positivity strengthens ones heart negativity stops it.
We each our faced with a choice to go forth and pursue excellence in the arts at Neopoet thank you kindly I’m nothing but one beggar telling another where to get some bread. Peace fam

Mario Vitale

not too long, fun to read (especially if you don't have a lisp or read with a Catalan accent!)
These are great exercises, sketches, There are endless variations- alliteration poems, motion poems, image poems,
A poem in the key of "S" . Great idea and pulled off nicely.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I agree with Eumolpus, a fun read, loved the
alliteration and you pulled it off nicely so that
even my country voice didn't sound too awful
reading it aloud (alliteration can feel too forced,
not a problem with this short focused piece).

enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing ...

Richard

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