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Concrete fences

Looking through a concrete barricade,
of a forever standing fence.
Edifices created to keep me in,
while jailers whip me with the price of wages.
When I am but a dime a dozen
of evil task masters that only see green.
I recognize the means to their grab bag hands.

Imagine the other side,
pet feces becoming mushrooms that cloud the mind.
The thunder of iron horses,
which translate into pounding hooves
of a dance I cannot do.
I there sitting on a stool
hoping to find solutions to the question
that I do not want an answer to.
While drowning in my own made murk
just to say I am this society.

While leaders with short arms and deep pockets
slip their hands into mine,
with silky smooth tongues of rhetoric
that cause orgasmic brain farts.
I say yes,
take all that I have for a cardboard box in the street.

In Central Park
someone ask about Kentucky blue grass,
when all I know is how to grow concrete.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
NYC style beat poem.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Hi there!
wow this is a heavy hitter , the poem is very strong but some of the phrases are more than excellent.(if that is possible lol)
You peak volumes and do it so well

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thank you for stopping by to read and comment. To tell you the truth I did not expect any comments on this one, so your comment was a nice surprise. This went over well here in NY at the poetry cafe's I visit from time to time. this is actually a beat poem that must be read out loud to get it's full affect. So again thank you so much!

Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

With the progressives in charge right now the money we Do make is headed toward other people in order to further the agenda of the far left. The only ones safe from their confiscatory claws are the super rich.
S-2, L-8 try that I do not want to ask ....see if that's closere to what you mean................stan

Hi old boy, S-2 L-8 state that I did ask like most of us do, but do not want the real answer, that it's broken and can not be fixed at this juncture. Well lets say that there is not a fix at all. it is tough to go from number one for so long and being number two, heading on a downward spiral to number three (China, Germany, then the USA)
It's a little scary for us who have always thought of ourselves as the deserving. Hahaha!

Thanks so much, it is always a pleasure!
Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Farming was what made America great, the revolution was about taxation without representation on our farming goods. which at the time was making us powerful. The British didn't want us to trade with anyone but them. Reason being we were becoming self-sustaining of our own economy. They saw us as a threat and right they were. Today there are few real framers everything comes from south America and China. We need to stop being so damn lazy, just sitting in front of a computer to just be spoon feed by other countries that are paying the fat cats to keep us docile. As the Japanese said " let's not wake a sleeping giant."

This is just my opinion...

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

I know you rarely come by
and
I also wonder if you have ever read me lately.

But from the comments I read in this piece
smack of complacency on the part of USA
TO JUST FARM AROUND AND COMPUTE....
one day perhaps.
China /other parts of the world may be cause of making us mute ,
as they will hold the key to every lock , we say is ours today
The world is changing
so is supremacy.
tc

these are my inner thoughts only

loved

I hope my reading does it some justice.
https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/concrete-fences-by-eduardo

Some minor crits.
pet feces becoming mushrooms that cloud the mind. [faeces]

that I do not want an answer too. [to]

someone ask about Kentucky blue grass, [I have no idea what this means]

Again, I love the poem, how about recording it in your own voice for us? Vocaroo and Soundcloud are both easy to use.

I miss you, man, look forward to more of your work.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

How are you?
I am around, work has enslaved me. I've becoming a paper chaser.
In answer to your question; I am a city boy I know nothing of the different kinds of grass only the one you can smoke. I know about the concrete jungle. Even though you can't grow concrete it must be poured.
The fences are the buildings (skyscrapers)
I will try to come around more offen...

Fast Eddie Esq.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Welcome back. It's good to see many of the members who were silent for a long spell returning to Neopoet. I have always admired your poems and look forward to your making up for the long drought :) Hope you and your beloveds are fine.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Thank you for the kind greeting. I will be reading more before I start posting again.
I will be looking forward to reading your writings.

Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

Two things the mushrooms are what the American Indians use to drink or smoke to get high. in this instants I am speaking of the shit the government shovels and we get high on it.
Second I just heard your reading the rhythm was correct, you did it justice. it makes me feel good that I was able to translate the rhythm that was in my head to paper. for me it was a great honor for you to read my poem in your accent, it gave it a little some else.
Respect to you my teacher!!
Eddie C.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment

wonderful piece. even though you told me you are a novice, i have suspected you're far better than me. see, this one proves it.

in the concrete jungle
the beasts walk among men
while others stumble
for the dollars they must earn
the beasts pride themselves
as opportunists in the corporate world
which have driven many homeless
the greed crushing those who are unable
to protect themselves from their reach
while these ruthless kings rise in power
bathing in the pool filled with other's despair
while they live their lives with fake laughter
unable to trust their comrades
who is as deceitful as they are.....

Alid

this is very good also, believe me I am a novice.
thank you I am glad you liked my poem.

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

author comment
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