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Come one, Come all

Submitted by MermaidMaster on Thu, 2024-02-01 21:41

What is Love if not fucking crazy,
What is love if not burning desire,
throwing yourself off a cliff,
red-hot steam rising from the fire.

Give me a love that is real, that is brutal,
that’ll tear me apart at the seams.
I want it to be the stuff of fantasies,
fulfill every desire, satiate every dream.

Let love tempt me with her serpentine ways,
I will take the biggest, sweetest bite.
I’ll brush the salt lines off my windowsill,
and unlock my doors, an open invite.

“Come one, Come all, One night only,
Come and gaze as a crazed girl burns”
What is love if not a goddamned circus,
A spectacle made to be dazzling and adored.

I’ll race down highways and tear through small towns,
I’ll go wherever Love wants to take me.
Lace up my boots, and never turn around
For what is love if not fucking crazy?

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

Neopoet Weekly 01/28/24 to 02/03/24

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2024-02-02 03:42

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses vivid and powerful imagery to convey the intensity of love. The metaphors of "throwing yourself off a cliff" and "red-hot steam rising from the fire" successfully depict the passionate and sometimes destructive nature of love.

However, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure. Most lines start with "What is love if not" or "I'll", which can make the poem feel repetitive. Experimenting with different sentence structures could make the poem more engaging and dynamic.

The poem could also benefit from more subtlety in its language. The repeated use of strong language, such as "fucking crazy", can be effective in conveying the intensity of the speaker's feelings, but it also risks alienating readers who might prefer more nuanced language.

The poem's theme of love as a destructive force is clear and compelling, but the poem could delve deeper into this theme. For example, it could explore why the speaker is drawn to this kind of love, or how this love affects the speaker's life beyond the immediate moment of passion.

Finally, the poem's rhythm and meter could be more consistent. The poem does not seem to follow a consistent metrical pattern, which can make it feel disjointed. Experimenting with different metrical patterns could give the poem a more rhythmic, musical quality.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

hippiemoon

Thu, 2024-02-01 21:51

I really like this! It

I really like this! It showcases the feminine expression to me.
-hippiemoon

MermaidMaster

Sat, 2024-02-03 10:12

thank you so much for reading

thank you so much for reading and commenting!!

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-02-02 05:49

Dear MM,

An excellent poem getting to the heart of all the emotions one feels in a love relationship. my favorite lines are:

Give me a love that is real, that is brutal,
that’ll tear me apart at the seams.
I want it to be the stuff of fantasies,
fulfill every desire, satiate every dream.

most excellent!

*hugs, Cat

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MermaidMaster

Sat, 2024-02-03 10:12