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Carolina and The Moon

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Sun, 2012-05-06 01:36

The full moon is shining bright tonight.
Brighter than any other time of the year.
In the Carolinas, a Carolina Girl sits quietly in her car; kindle fire in hand surfing the internet at McDonald.

A peak at the fullmoon; she covets its beauty as she reads in God's word how life will be one day. Trees too far to see, grabble at the light with its fingers.

The rainy dark clouds obstructs her view. Impedes her peaceful coexistence with the unifying of her spirit with nature.

Without a night camara she ponder the thought of taking pictures. But, has resolved to be content with beautiful pictures Rett has posted on Facebook.

Unable to find the fullmoon she traveled home because its after twelve and past her bedtime. Even though she don't sleep many nights, she's in bed by ten anyway.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I see the advanced formatting is working better. Thanks Andrew Tablets are the new way of the world.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-05-09 04:40

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I read this a couple of times and the end product is that the theme is ok but the words portray many things in lines that need sorting a bit to become a lovely piece of poetry.
I think it was Connie Frances that sang "Carolina Moon" back in the 60's not sure how the words went but worth looking up, Take care of you, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2012-05-09 12:47

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I don't think I've heard Carolina moon,
but I wrote this from my perspective of the moon
because I live in the Carolina. it's all its all I know. Stan calls me Carolina girl and that inspired me to write this.

it can use some sorting suppose so ill check that. thanks for your honest crit

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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Barbara Writes

Wed, 2012-05-09 13:13

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this is what I was feeling when I wrote it.
I don't wanna change anything.
so is there something more I can to sort it better?
I won't read Carolina moon yet, as I don't wanna taint my thoughts with her song. I will look it up later after I edited this to finish.
I wrote this as prose poetry so that may be why its out of sorts any more suggestions.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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scribbler

Wed, 2012-05-09 15:01

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I inspired somebody..........and in a Good way! lol. You have a few misspells or typos to fix but this piece of poetic prose surely puts the reader beside you. Now one thing kinda confuses me: "I go to bed at 10:00 but don't sleep 'till after 12:00"...............heh heh heh (Iknow, I know I'm an old letch lol)......................

Barbara Writes

Wed, 2012-05-09 23:57

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i've done some more editing
yes Im in bed by ten on here up to late with insomnia

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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