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The Breath of Blood
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He hurts himself so purposely
to see if he can summon pain,
and carves her name for her to see.
He hurts himself so purposely,
and numbly, proudly, bloodily
surveys the damage with disdain.
He hurts himself so purposely
to see if he can summon pain.
She watches, as he cuts his arm
awake’ning fills her dark-lashed eyes.
As her initials join the harm
she watches. As he cuts his arm
a silent bell, a dull alarm
ignored, it's too far to descry.
She watches, as he cuts his arm
awake’ning fills her dark-lashed eyes.
In co-dependent unison
he cuts his arm, she watches him.
Together, separate, one prison.
In co-dependent unison,
existing in their red dungeon,
he lives, she feels, but light is dim.
In co-dependent unison
he cuts his arm, she watches him.
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Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
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A triolet is a poem of only eight lines with a rhyme scheme ABaAabAB. It's usually written in iambic tetrameter i have written this in pentameter, it is a triple triolet - each poem able to stand on its own.
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Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Western Australia
Favorite Poets
Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story
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Comments
themoonman
Sat, 2012-04-14 19:30
Judy,
A touchy subject matter that seems to be
everywhere, yet hidden except from the very
observant ... but it's there!
I normally don't like repetition but I do know when
it works, and here you've left me with a haunting
image. Great poem Judy !
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-15 07:40
thanks very much richard
for the very supportive comments
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sat, 2012-04-14 20:13
Judy,
I like the Vivid Darkness of this, what a nightmare to imagine coming from inside your head.
The repeation worked, it was as if I could here music playing some dark hyme in the back round. this was crafted so well. thanks for sharing your darkness.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-15 07:44
thanks eddie
lol - i i'm not normally able to think up dark writes, not usually easy for me
but the funny thing was this just spilled out...
lol - i'm a little afraid my mind might be necrosing.......
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentEduardo Cruz
Sun, 2012-04-15 12:16
Funny,
You used the the word spill, which I am sure was on purpose. Hahaha!
It is a very well written poem!
Eddie
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Esker
Sat, 2012-04-14 23:10
Delightful entrancing
your dark poem dancing
love it immensely
Like black light
in a cold room
the storm of thorns
and the muse throne born
Thank You
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-15 07:46
Like black light in a cold room
love it esker
thank you for the great comments
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentNordic cloud
Sun, 2012-04-15 05:07
Having just seen the film of
Having just seen the film of the boy who fell down a canyon and got his arm jammed, finally having to cut off his arm to break free and live; this has an immediacy, you mesmerise us with the repetition and we are drawn closer to an act we would rather shun, and yet it fascinates and we see through yet another hole in man's inadequacy to live. No judgement, no tears, no desperate descriptions or fears, just coldly like an art happening frozen into a verse.
Well done judyanne,
annanya
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
judyanne
Sun, 2012-04-15 07:47
what a beautiful review annanya
thank you so very much my dear friend
love and biggest hugs
judyanne
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentLinda Moses
Sun, 2012-04-15 15:22
well formed trickery,
well formed trickery, spellbound trickery. Poetic indeed. You are ascending moonman.
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
Linda Moses
Sun, 2012-04-15 15:43
cutters
I like the way you convey the fact that he cuts without feeling. Cutters usually do this thing to relieve pain and anxiety.
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
Linda Moses
Sun, 2012-04-15 15:55
cutters
I like the way you convey the fact that he cuts without feeling. Cutters usually do this thing to relieve pain and anxiety.
sorry about the duplicate comments and the other comment meant for Richard. I have tried to correct and delete, still trying to learn the how to here. Linda
Linda
He who conquers self , has won a great battle
judyanne
Mon, 2012-04-16 02:05
thanks linda
for the review and comments
very nice to meet you
- he cuts to prove he's alive
she watches, for only if he's alive does she feel
love judy
xx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-04-17 03:46
Fuck me dead!
Before you came back after your absence I don't remember you being such a superb wordcrafter and master of form. Is it my early onset dementia or has some change occurred? Go on, admit it, you have been studying and training.
What particularly strikes me about this is the perfect match of form and content.
Very powerful, very apt, very elegant. And I did not miss the irony as man as self-mutilator by cutting, a role normally taken by teenage girls.
I am humbled and really need to get back to work on my poetry to retain any credibility on this site.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
judyanne
Tue, 2012-04-17 05:38
lol - i love that expression jess
another lol - i don't quite know how to answer your comment
i have certainly done some reading re form, and practiced, practiced practiced different meter
as well as reading others' poetry (including popping into this site when i could and following parts of a few of the workshops)
i'm so glad you liked this - my work has paid off :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
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