Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Ballad of Genevieve (Air Granuaile)

One holy morn
as drunk to the soul
as she trailed along
the sun rises over London town
from the place where she was born
twas there I saw her on a hill
beside a lovely vale
as she went along
she sang a song
of lovely Granuaile
as she went along
she sang a song
of lovely Granuaile

The colours of her mantle bright
were green and laced with red
green velvet for her honour
for which much blood was shed
the palest dye white of her eye
a chain of mystery
& the breeze flows between
each morn and each eve
for my lovely Genevieve
& the breeze flows between
each morn and each eve
for my lovely Genevieve

The rope is long, the due is cast
from our circle to the sea
she spent her life in servitude
for tarnished emblems of the queen
her soul of light, her eyes of green
my wine of mystery
her song is old, though seldom now told
of my lovely Genevieve
her song is old, though seldom now told
of my lovely Genevieve

As I rose past all slumber
I stirred these words to pen
the stars they seemed as distant seas
as women are to men
the world to me a troubled dream
a prison with no end
my love the winding city breeze
that leads to Genevieve
my love the winding city breeze
that leads to Genevieve

I wandered night & day alone
through London's famished glare
the gentle flow of womankind
passed through the evening fair
as I passed free of my reverie
as the sun set upon the sea
and as the sun I gazed upon
my lovely Genevieve
and as the sun I gazed upon
my lovely Genevieve

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is so touchingly poetic and timeless yet upon the first read I could barely bring my eyes to it as I have an aversion to period pieces and their corresponding dated linguistics Having said that I wouldn't harm a hair of its poetic crown as it remains entrancing and gorgeous through out.

One thing to consider and this goes to the heart of my critique which you may see as bias or even dogma encapsulated in this

"literary text should be regarded as the expression of the psychology of an individual, which in its turn is the expression of the milieu and the period in which the individual lived, and of the race to which he belonged"
i believe the word "race" is in the context of culture..

So I ask you, Dalton do you obfuscate using a time piece to distance yourself from your own eminence?
While I love Rembrandt I stand removed, and distantly so, by my contemporary culture from his portrait of the singing peddler's etc. and so much closer to the monumentality of Anselm Kiefers paintings or that matter the gripping contemporary poetry of Ocean Voung because they offer me a sense of immediacy
.

Heres a terrible secret about this poem its placed around the frame of a much older piece. an old Irish Fenian song. here are the original words and you can judge from that.

Poor Old Granuaile:

My dream to some with joy will come and come with grief
to more,
as it did to me, my country, that dear old Erin's shore;
I dreamt I stood upon a hill beside a lovely vale,
and it's there I spied a comely maid and her name was
Granuaile.

Her Lovely hair hung down so fair and she was dressed in
green,
I thought she was the fairest soul that e'er my eyes had seen:
as I drew near I then could hear by the pleasant morning
gale,
as she went along she sang a song, saying "I'm poor old
Granuaile."

In O'Connell's time in '29 we had no braver men,
they struggled hard both day and night to gain our rights
again;
still by coercion we were bound and our sons were sent to
jail,
"You need not fret, we'll Home Rule get," says poor old
Granuaile.

I thought she had a splendid harp, by her side she let it fall,
she played the tunes called Brian Boru, Garryowen, and Tara's
Hall.
Then God Save Ireland was the next, and Our Martyrs who
died in Jail,
"You need not fret, we'll have freedom yet," says poor old
Granuaile.

When I wakened from my slumber and excited by my fight,
I thought it was the clear daylight, and I found it was the
night;
I looked about I could see naught but the walls of
a lonely jail,
and that was the last I ever saw of my poor old Granuaile.

author comment

I am not familiar with the form and devises you used, and they work very nicely.
Having lived in there some years I know that Saint Genevieve is the patron saint of Paris. So I wasn't sure of this one in London.
Treating the poem without historical reference then the poem does work nicely with a certain charm of the poetry in the English tradition, with the heroine as with the gentle flow of womanhood.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I like your poem, thank you for sharing.
the best flow and most relate-able part is this:

As I rose past all slumber
I stirred these words to pen
the stars they seemed as distant seas
as women are to men
the world to me a troubled dream
a prison with no end
my love the winding city breeze
that leads to Genevieve
my love the winding city breeze
that leads to Genevieve

some suggestions for the beginning, (since you asked, you don't have to use it, i am not sure I understood the stanza right):

One holy morn she trailed along the sun
?that raised? over the town
London was the place she was born
and there as drunk to the soul
I saw her on ?the top of the? hill
?above? a lovely vale
as she went along she sang a song
of lovely Granuaile
as she went along she sang a song
of lovely Granuaile

IRiz

really the girl is an Aisling and the hill and lovely vale is a dreamed vista seen in the mists of a drunkards mind. the verse you found most accessible was my favourite part too. you offered good advice thanks

author comment

yes that sounds better I'll make adjustments when I'm less tired thanks IRiz

author comment

No no I think my suggestion is not good after you explained your intention.

IRiz

please scroll upward through the comments boxes and you will see the old song that the words of this poem are loosely based around. the first stanza of my poem mentioned Granuaile or Grace O'Malley. she was Irelands' pirate queen who lived at the time of Elizabeth I. you may wish to google her story but shes used in the original song and first verse of my poem as partly the female personification of Ireland as I said an Aisling. the original ballad was of course a rallying war song mine is just about love. thanks so much for your advice I will certainly bare it all in mind

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.