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ALL THAT MATTERS

Submitted by Trail on Sat, 2023-04-08 11:04

It's a lot better now
The sunsets have a bit more colour
The smiles are a bit more real
And I've learnt to breathe again

I make my bed these days
I open the windows and let the sunshine in
Something about this simple act
Brings light into my life
How did I not know this sooner?

Well, I still don't like going out
But when I do I smile at the strangers
Who happen to meet my eye
I look at the clouds
And for a moment my heart slows down
What's more amazing than the sky?
The blue that hangs so high above
Speckled with the majesty of clouds
Of water that's smoke
And at night,
Four thousand little lights
That make grown men dream of boyhood
And once in a while a full moon comes by
The queen of creation

See?
I'm smiling again
Again I have learnt to appreciate nature
The miracle of life
I have learnt to be in the moment
To forget about the past
And the future
Because now is all there is

I still don't have much to say
But I'm still here and trying
To make it through with a clear head
I've been through the fire
Way too many times
But I'm still here
Here and tryin
It's all that matters
A.Swantalala

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-04-08 11:04

neopoet's picture
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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "All That Matters" is a poignant reflection on the speaker's journey towards finding peace and appreciation in life. The imagery of the sunset and the sky, in particular, are beautifully described, evoking a sense of wonder and awe. The use of short, simple sentences also adds to the overall sense of clarity and simplicity that the speaker is striving for.

However, the poem could benefit from some additional editing. Some of the lines feel a bit clunky, such as "Of water that's smoke" which doesn't quite flow smoothly. Additionally, there are a few instances where the phrasing could be tightened up, such as in "I've been through the fire/Way too many times" where the repetition of "times" feels unnecessary.

One suggested line edit could be to change "Of water that's smoke" to "Water smoke in the air" which would flow more naturally and maintain the vivid imagery of the clouds.

Overall, "All That Matters" is a thoughtful and hopeful poem that reminds the reader to appreciate the beauty around them and focus on the present moment. With some minor editing, it could be even stronger.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Leslie

Sat, 2023-04-08 14:53

Leslie's picture

are an overwhelming inspiration! I wrote "A sweet refrain" after reading an earlier
poem that you wrote. It felt so good to write something fresh. You definately lifted my
spirits and you made my day. If you like my poem please let me know how you feel
about it. The feelings that I get every time I read your poetry is so sublime, soft and
beautiful!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

Trail

Sat, 2023-04-08 17:10

Trail's picture

Because you've inspired many of mine. I've just read "A sweet refrain" and for a while I had to let the nostalgia have my head. It's a beautiful feeling to have to pause for a moment after reading a poem. That's what all the good ones do. Thank you for this.

author comment

Leslie

Sat, 2023-04-08 19:58

Leslie's picture

this must be true in any event I am grateful for your wisdom and peaceful melodic lines
full of color and emotional depth. Thank you!!!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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