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Aftermath

deep pool
dark eye half opened by the moon

you will drown
when you step forward

wind snickers through bones of winter trees
skulls’ harp

now - complete your business
no forgiveness

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Last few words: 
I seem to be churning out the bleak stuff but those are the experiences I see and hear at the moment. This is not actually about suicide but rather what happens when things are discovered which could be left to lie quietly, or not, and either way you step forward into consequences.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I read this a couple of times and your last few words but
I found this a bit vague. I couldn't really get the message that you intended, or may be it is only me.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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Hi Rula, I guess I am also just experimenting - I have written over time poetry that is quite descriptive. Description - for me - offers forms/more easily accessible places for others to visit. I am experimenting with metaphor and I don't know if all poetry has to be easily understood?
This was written in a very deep space when I had to confront an uncomfortable truth. Bur I also had the choice to find out more - or back off and not know the whole truth. Either way - there was no forgiveness. The pool was (and is) dark and deep. A friend of mine said it was about suicide, but it's more about confronting self and how far you will or will not go.
Thank you above all for reading this and taking the time to pause to re- read it again. That is a real privilege. I will look at it to re-edit to strengthen it, so your comments matter.

Jenifer

author comment

You are pushing your feelings into many places, these are as real as you would wish them to be.
If you wish to dwell on the things that have been then the mud at the bottom of a pool is a starting place..
Rather to throw a stone into the centre of the pool and ride to those places, where the sunshine reflects a light that dances with joy that you have looked and made it so..
Yours Ian.T

PS:- the flow of this piece needs a little attention it needs some super glue to bind it together lol..Spuggy x

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I agree Ian, it's a starting place (as I said to Rula). The original poem was a lot longer and probably clearer. I deliberately clouded it/pared it back to the bones in order to re-grow it again.Also dear Ian, I am a very happy, optimistic person who just happens to sometimes write dark poetry. Light without shade is dull! xxx

Jenifer

author comment

If I hadn't read your last few words I would have thought it was about giving the shove to a worthless lover.

I don't know how you feel about it but I love it when people get a completely different meaning from my poems than I intended. Especially when it is a more positive one.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Thanks Jess! the funny thing is that although I think there is a much better poem rustling around here, I quite like this as it stands as well - short, grumpy and unforgiving. It was written to encapsulate a very odd, dislocated, uncomfortable moment. I love the idea of shoving the lover in!

Jenifer

author comment

skull's harp and half eye open are good images, but the warning and the admonishment at the end seem dictatorial and mean spirited, as if you hate or despise someone, but we the reader are not given any reason for this, so as Rula said the poem seems vague and to me unfinished. Its ok to make a poem intriguing but there is not enough to this.

Hi Ross - it's great to meet you and to have your comments. As I've said, the poem had an interesting birthing- a traumatic incident and in the poem I am talking to myself, which isn't made clear. A couple of people have picked up (in another poem as well) that I use harsh words, sometimes (I am a very soft, wobbly person, really), but that's because that words just sometimes seem to fit that framework, especially in the rough editing stage. I think I have a danger of over softening a poem when I re-work it, but that may be my perception. The only one to forgive in the world is oneself (most of the time) and in this poem, I am talking to myself. There is a much better poem hiding here so I will work on it and take on board your comments, so thank you.

Jenifer

author comment

And does!

Thanks Frenchf - the glory of all our interpretations! :)

Jenifer

author comment
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