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In absence of love ~The Challenge

Submitted by Barbara Writes on Mon, 2012-10-01 11:37

the sun burns in day skies
loyally in summertime
some cry out from its source of pain

longing peace and security
a trap into life's forge
fingernails scratching at lock doors

for entitlements enjoyed by elderly
fordone for all younger than 55
left to suffer at hands of corrupt ones

parched grass lay bare
no longer green
for those climbing fences

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-10-12 08:20

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I can feel the compassion, pain and belief behind your words but I think they could be expressed in a more memorable way.

Remember what I said, that freeform doesn't exclude poetic devices like rhyme, meter, assonance and consonance etc, it just means they are not used in a rigid structure throughout the poem.

Would you consider trying a re-write to enhance the "musicality" of the language?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Barbara Writes

Fri, 2012-10-12 20:37

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Will do. Thanks for the critique

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

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